Hello All .. :wave: Happy New Year.

I hope you all still stop by here. I know SV has gradually gotten quieter over the years so I'm thinking maybe I should post a Thread to bring some of you back out .... and because it's been a while for me :o

I hope you are all well. I will post in the Lounge at a later date about what I've been up to.

My Challenge Life ...

I have been reading a book called 'Love for no reason' by Marci Shimoff and I would highly recommend it. It's basically a book about learning to love everything and everyone, including yourself ... unconditionally. I've also ordered another book by Marci called 'Happy for no reason' and I'm looking forward to being happier for no reason too :).

The reason for my post is this - I am loving this book and I'm learning a lot in the process but there are things that I have known for a while about myself, yet have just accepted and not done anything about them .. but I now know that I need to do something because it's not good for me or people in my life.

My issue are

1. I am terribly stubborn .. to the extreme. I would cut my nose to spite my face. How do I stop being so stubborn ? I nearly lost the love of my life because of my stubbornness.

2. I have a belief that showing my emotions is a sign of weakness. I have learned a lot about this in the book and that showing your emotions is a sign of strength. I feel so vulnerable and it's as if my whole body reacts and shuts down and doesn't let me show emotion.

3. Then the stubbornness kicks in.

So it's a viscous circle.

My S/O told me I was too hard on myself. I burst out crying. It actually felt like a relief that he had told me this. It was as if he was giving me permission that it was ok to open up, be vulnerable and let go.

I don't know why I feel the need to be so hard all the time and put on a brave face when I know the real me on the inside is so gentle and loving.

My whole attitude to anyone hurting me is 'well f*** you' and I really need to change that.

Any ideas please ? All help greatly appreciated.

Thank You. xxx

Wow - I take that back - it's not quiet around here ... 1 member and 86 guests !!!! :eek:

:blowkiss:

Hey Chique!! Great to see you back at the vibe! :thumb::D

As someone who works with emotions every day I feel I am "qualified" to give you some comments to consider ...

every day i work with people who feel exactly as you do ... that expressing emotion is weak. I have found that mostly it is about losing control. that somehow, if you "lose it", it means you are no longer in control. and if you aren't in control, then somehow you are less of a person ... you are inadequate and worthless ...

and yet, every single person i work with has every RIGHT to feel the way they do ... they give everything of themselves to other people, mostly to the point where they lose themselves in the process, feel lost, confused and inadequate... and they feel like they don't have the right to ask for someone to give back to them ... like they are unworthy of receiving support

so, i help them to map it out ... together we create a mud map of their current lives, with particular focus on the challenges they are facing ... i ask them to tell me everything it is that they associate with their particular situation ... eg, i had one recently who cares for a teenage son with autism and has a husband who continuously tells her she is being too soft on him. the son tells her she always takes his side. the husband and son barely have a r/ship, and the connection within the family is non existent. now this is a lady who grew up in a family that meant everything to each other, and yet when she thought of the word family, she thought about cousins, aunts, uncles etc, and her nucleus didn't even enter the picture ... so when we did her map, she spoke about disconnection, lack of control, loneliness, loss, inadequacies and other such fun stuff!

so after we did her map we looked at it and discussed how she felt, what she saw in it etc ... the A3 page was chock full of words and emotions that were holding her back from living the life she wanted ... and looking at it, we both noticed how full it was ... she had a visual representation of what her everyday life was doing to her - as a woman, as a mother, and as a human being ...

we acknowledged how overwhelming things were for her ... and since that page was so full, was it any wonder she felt the way she did ... considering how SHE was the KEY within that family, she felt she didn't have any right to fall apart and that doing so would make her weak ... looking at that page helped her to see that given her circumstances, it makes PERFECT sense, that in fact it would be surprising and even somewhat "abnormal", to NOT feel the way she was ... and it gave her permission to let out some of that pain

and then, we started to come up with a plan on how she could start to turn some of her "stuff" around ... starting with her own self care and looking at gaining some new skills that would help with her confidence

im not sure whether any of this is something you can relate to, but maybe an activity like creating a mud map for yourself may help? ... when you create it, ask yourself what it means for you to be stubborn and to show emotions ... and write down everything you can think of that you associate with those 2 words ... if you need any help with clarifying that or asking some questions to get you brainstorming, let me know :)

Ali

So great to see you back! On the topic of vulnerability, I came across a lovely woman called Brene Brown who teaches at a university in Texas. She studied vulnerability in depth for about a decade, and she was invited to speak at TED about it last year.

I'm going to attempt to put the link to her talk, entitled "The Power of Vulnerability" here...but I'm also going to put it on my FB page because I'm confident I can figure out how to do that. The talk is about 25 minutes. it is an absolute MUST-SEE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

Thanks Ali .. Thanks Gr8ful2bme

The video link was excellent ... I loved listening to Brene talk :)

I'm having a hard time trying to put into words what I want to say so maybe I should just give you a scenario.

I think I am a very deep and loving person, but I find myself showing 3/4 of that love ... the other 1/4 is the vulnerable side that I don't show.

I recently found myself setting boundaries with my S/O (who is such an amazing and loving person). I found myself hurt and upset that I hadn't received the respect that I thought I deserved. So, that's a good thing right? that I feel worthy of respect :D

I felt hurt that he hadn't shown me respect and I felt hurt that I had to justify why I felt worthy of it. Anyway, at some point, I flipped and went from feeling totally hurt, to totally stubborn and the 'f*** you' attitude appeared :nono:

Instead of me revealing and communicating my insecurities and vulnerabilities, I refused to talk to him for days. I actually put him through hell by refusing to see him or speak to him. If it wasn't for his perseverance, I was quite prepared to throw our whole relationship away. We did talk and I did open up to him but I had a permanent lump in my throat and a pain in my heart due to the unease I felt.

The book I am reading is about learning to acknowledge these 'not so positive' sides to your character but loving that you know you have them and being gentle on yourself about them .. and not to beat yourself up about them but I want to rid myself of them because it has potential to ruin a wonderful relationship.

I have lost a few people in my life because of this hard attitude I have adopted (some of those people I didn't need in my life and I am better off without), but I don't want to have this hardness and indifference any more and I don't want to ruin any more relationships because of it.

Instead of me revealing and communicating my insecurities and vulnerabilities, I refused to talk to him for days. I actually put him through hell by refusing to see him or speak to him. If it wasn't for his perseverance, I was quite prepared to throw our whole relationship away. We did talk and I did open up to him but I had a permanent lump in my throat and a pain in my heart due to the unease I felt.



Hi Chique! I was actually thinking about you several days ago, wondering where you had gotten to ... and here you pop up! :DC::thumb:

so what stopped you from opening up to him the first time around? I'm not convinced that it's just stubbornness ... how does the word "fear" sit with you ... reading between the lines, im hearing fear ... maybe the fear that if you allow yourself to be vulnerable, he won't like what he sees, will believe you to be "lacking" in some way and then walk away?? ... wish we could talk "live" so i could ask you these questions rather than putting words into your mouth ...

i do stuff for similar reasons myself ... instead of exploding i just walk away and hide ... isolate myself rather than make myself vulnerable ... for me its a fear that if i reveal that part of myself then they will walk away because they will find that i am not worth the effort ... that i AM an inadequate human being ....

does that give you any food for thought?

Ali

hope it work out for you chique,

Personally I am not a fan of the idea of unconditional love. For me love is based on values. So those I love embody the values that I hold in regard. If someone did not maintain those values I could not love them nor would I want to.

I believe in love based on value for value relationships. Anyone who felt they were entitled to my concern without effort would be sadly mistaken.

Hi Chique, I've missed you!!

What exactly did your S/O do that made you feel he didn't show you respect? Do I need to kick his ass?? ;)

I have never thought of you as a person with an attitude, you always appear to be very loving and caring. Maybe it's just me you love ;)

Thanks guys :love:

Ali, yes, it is 'fear'. Fear of letting him see the vulnerable me and seeing how hurt I can be, which to me is a sign of weakness (which I'm working on).
I didn't want to talk to him about it because I know I'd just be emotional so it was easier for me not to see him and be stubborn about it. Even when we did speak it was difficult for me to look at him because I knew he'd be able to see right through me and see how hurt I was. For me it's easier to be stubborn and move on than to hash things over and to deal with hurt and tears.

Hi Wand :wave: ... the book is about feeling love from the inside and projecting it outwards to everything around. It doesn't go to the extreme, just little things that you can do every day to be kinder to yourself and others. I think it'll be good for me because I think I'm quite aloof.

Jo :D:wave: I've missed you too :hug:

Well, if I was to tell you what happened, that would be a whole different thread :D but seeing as this is all about me learning to open up then I'll tell you :o. It was all to do with sex :lildevil:

We have been together for 2 years and we have the most amazing relationship and sex is out of this world. Although we have been together 2 years, we still can't keep our hands off each other. Anyway, he asked me to do something, a thing which I have done many times before but on this occasion, I told him I couldn't do it. He took this as massive rejection and started getting verbally nasty. We had been here before and I told him I have a right to say no and shouldn't need to continually justify myself. I also told him that it was childish of him to respond to rejection by name-calling, which then led me to defend myself against the names. He is a big joker and I know he would never intentionally be nasty because he does worship the ground I walk on, but what he said really hurt. Before all this happened, we had made love that day and he left straight afterwards. I didn't think anything of it because it was a quickie that we both wanted and it was full of lust and passion ... but when I put the two together I felt like perhaps he only wanted me there for his sexual demands and then got nasty when I didn't comply.

That was it really. I went over and over what he had said and I felt hurt and drained justifying and defending myself so I shut down, went into stubborn mode and became totally heartless.

I am a loving person and I do show and give love but when I get into that stubborn mode, I can't shake it. I get so focused on being stubborn and I don't budge.

We do communicate but I think on this occasion, I felt hurt and used and drained. We are ok now as we have talked for hours since this and we've both opened up. I think he's scared that I can get so stubborn that I am willing to throw what we have, away. I'm scared of that too so I want to learn to open up and show that I'm hurting, crying, whatever and not be so stubborn that it gets to the point that I am willing to throw it all away.

I've done it with family members too .. they hurt me and instead of being rational about it and discussing why I'm hurt I just put the wall up, shut down and move on. I find that easier than to open up and show I'm vulnerable and can hurt. Once I get the stubborn streak I'm like a woman on a mission and can't see passed it. :hmm:

Chique, one thing that has helped me is to remind myself that be opening myself up i am actually giving the other person a gift ... A gift to be able to give of themselves and support me ... An opportunity to meet their contributions needs if you like .... And by closing myself off and not talking, i am denying them that gift ...

So, it helped me to think about what my "stuff" would "give" to the other person ... Was very difficult to do at first, but it has helped immensely

What do u think?

You've done very well! It takes huge amounts pf courage to open up about something that makes you SOOOO vulnerable ... I commend you for it! :thumb::cool:

hope it work out for you chique,

Personally I am not a fan of the idea of unconditional love. For me love is based on values. So those I love embody the values that I hold in regard. If someone did not maintain those values I could not love them nor would I want to.

I believe in love based on value for value relationships. Anyone who felt they were entitled to my concern without effort would be sadly mistaken.

Gotta love your consistency, Wandy! ;)

You've done very well! It takes huge amounts pf courage to open up about something that makes you SOOOO vulnerable ... I commend you for it! :thumb::cool:

:wss: and :urock:

Chique, I honestly cannot blame you for shutting down. Of course you were hurt and your reaction was understandable. There is no need for verbal abuse especially in this circumstance.... just my .02 cents.

I wonder if his reaction was due to insecurity.

As for putting a wall up instead of discussing the problem, I understand how frustrating it can be for the person who does communicate. I have family members that will shut down and I hate that. Life is too damn short. Speak whats on your mind.

Ali, that's such a great way to look at it :thumb: and it's the way I'll approach it in the future.

I suppose it's been one of those things that's just slapped me in the face and gave me a wake up call as to how my being stubborn really doesn't benefit me, when I thought it did. At the end of the day, I'll only grow as a person if I step outside my comfort zone and into the uncomfortable world of showing my vulnerabilities.

My S/O and I have talked quite a lot about this lately and all he asks of me is that I talk to him. Once I started telling him how uncomfortable and vulnerable I felt, he couldn't get me to shut up :) ! I then went on to tell him my fears and insecurities etc so I have came a long way. I know the more I keep doing it, the more comfortable I will become.

It's funny how help comes in different forms when required ... Corinne posted a link on FB and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201109/how-your-greatest-insecurities-reveal-your-deepest-gifts

Anyway, he asked me to do something, a thing which I have done many times before but on this occasion, I told him I couldn't do it. He took this as massive rejection and started getting verbally nasty. We had been here before and I told him I have a right to say no and shouldn't need to continually justify myself. I also told him that it was childish of him to respond to rejection by name-calling, which then led me to defend myself against the names. He is a big joker and I know he would never intentionally be nasty because he does worship the ground I walk on, but what he said really hurt..This is the part that is concerning to me....it doesn't sound like he was respecting your boundaries. That can be a big deal. It's great that you are working on your emotional issues Chique, but I hope he is working on respecting your boundaries. Especially when it comes to sex. I don't know what he asked you to do, but you have every right to say no to whatever you want. I personally would not appreciate a reaction like that.

Good to see you back. You've gotten some great advice here. :) Hope things continue to improve with your relationship. :thumb:

Kimberly

welcome back

Thanks KKPDX :wave:

We had discussed boundaries before and when I had to justify myself again I just shut down as I had had enough. I felt what I had told him previously had went in one ear and out the other and I didn't want to go over old ground again.

I think we both realized that a/ he has to respect my boundaries and b/ not make me feel guilty for saying 'No' and c/ I have to learn to communicate better so that I do get heard d/ not shut down and be adamantly stubborn and e/ learn to show him I can be vulnerable instead of acting hard and unfeeling.



Hi Sarahgop :wave: It's good to be back.

Thanks KKPDX :wave:

We had discussed boundaries before and when I had to justify myself again I just shut down as I had had enough. I felt what I had told him previously had went in one ear and out the other and I didn't want to go over old ground again.

I think we both realized that a/ he has to respect my boundaries and b/ not make me feel guilty for saying 'No' and c/ I have to learn to communicate better so that I do get heard d/ not shut down and be adamantly stubborn and e/ learn to show him I can be vulnerable instead of acting hard and unfeeling.Makes sense and sounds like a good plan Chique! :thumb: