expectations, and you will never be disappointed. Agree or not agree?

That is my philosophy on relationships.

expectations, and you will never be disappointed. Agree or not agree?

That is my philosophy on relationships.

Thats a great philosophy Cathy but how do you not have expectations?

Thats a great philosophy Cathy but how do you not have expectations?

Go out with my boyfriend for a month and get back to me if you have any questions. :hopeless:

Go out with my boyfriend for a month and get back to me if you have any questions. :hopeless:

Sounds like he's related to my boyfriend :biglaugh:

But after nine long years, I still have expectations which really sucks because I always feel let down. Did that happen to you?

Sounds like he's related to my boyfriend :biglaugh:

But after nine long years, I still have expectations which really sucks because I always feel let down. Did that happen to you?

How did you last nine years? :biglaugh: Of course it sucks, that is why I have forced myself to be apathetic.

How did you last nine years? :biglaugh: Of course it sucks, that is why I have forced myself to be apathetic.

I have no clue how we lasted this long. It'll be nine years January 1st. I guess if you count all our break-ups it would be a lot less :rofl: I guess I've learned to become patient with him because he has a 14 year old son who is very defiant. He battles with him daily!:hopeless:

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

Too long...LOL..j/k. What is weird is we started our relationship on Jan 1st also. We were friends first, for four years, and then it got ugly and we started a relationship three years ago this Jan. So, I have had no expectations for seven years. ;)

I am not the most relationship friendly person either....so I cannot blame him. Do you think Woody Allen is neurotic and annoying????? I am his twin sister.

Do you gals think you'd feel different if a really, really great guy was in your life?

What exactly do these men do that cause you to feel you have to let go of expectations?
I'm not so sure that's a great idea. I have expectations of my dates, the people I have grown closer to, my family, etc. Sometimes the expectation is just for respect and common decency. Others, the expectations are higher.

Does it lead to me being frustrated when those expectations are not met? Sure. But not having them would be worse for me... like giving up somehow. Or maybe not having personal standards.


Just my .02,

-CP

expectations, and you will never be disappointed. Agree or not agree?

That is my philosophy on relationships.

I agree when talking about the subject of giving. That is to say, it is good to give of yourself without the expectation of getting something in return. Generosity with strings attached is always bad for a relationship.

However, I disagree when talking about roles and responsibilities within a relationship. For example, it is okay to expect a man to share resposibilities with you. The most common responsibility of a man is to provide. IMHO, I think he should meet this expectation, or you should kick him to the curb. If the woman provides the income, the man should take care of responsibilities of the household while the woman is away at work. If he does not.... you got it.... kick him to the curb.

Call me old fashioned.:lildevil:

I feel, the bottom line for any relationship, is to expect eachother to meet half way. Expect to be treated as an equal partner and you will be. Fail to have this most basic expectation, and I think you'll end up disappointed. Does that make sense?

gm

Um, yeah.. what the smart dude said. :thumb:

-CP

Do you gals think you'd feel different if a really, really great guy was in your life?

What exactly do these men do that cause you to feel you have to let go of expectations?
I'm not so sure that's a great idea. I have expectations of my dates, the people I have grown closer to, my family, etc. Sometimes the expectation is just for respect and common decency. Others, the expectations are higher.

Does it lead to me being frustrated when those expectations are not met? Sure. But not having them would be worse for me... like giving up somehow. Or maybe not having personal standards.


Just my .02,

-CP

There is give and take in every relationship. Sometimes you give up something to have something else. I wouldn't go with anyone who wasn't decent, so that is not the issue. Maybe I should have used the term unrealistic expectations.

I agree when talking about the subject of giving. That is to say, it is good to give of yourself without the expectation of getting something in return. Generosity with strings attached is always bad for a relationship.
However, I disagree when talking about roles and responsibilities within a relationship. For example, it is okay to expect a man to share resposibilities with you. The most common responsibility of a man is to provide. IMHO, I think he should meet this expectation, or you should kick him to the curb. If the woman provides the income, the man should take care of responsibilities of the household while the woman is away at work. If he does not.... you got it.... kick him to the curb.

Call me old fashioned.:lildevil:

I feel, the bottom line for any relationship, is to expect eachother to meet half way. Expect to be treated as an equal partner and you will be. Fail to have this most basic expectation, and I think you'll end up disappointed. Does that make sense?

gm

That is what I was trying to say, Coach...you always hit the nail on the head. There should be no expectations in the giving department.

Depends on the circumstance. I assume it's meeting people, since this is the relationships section. In that case, I believe in the saying.

I'm not afraid of disappointment but it's just more fun to be open-minded. Preconceived notions are YOUR OWN failing, not the fault of the other person unless they flat-out lied.

Jennifer

Expect nothing. Hope for everything! :yup:

I've been hostile towards relationships for the last year of my life. Now there's this girl (who I can't be with) that I really care about. Caring about someone is so wonderful and getting that back is even more amazing. I'm so glad to be teaching her everything that I've learnt from motivational speakers and the like.

Basically that quote sums it up for me. Y'all girls are just bitter and need to spice things up a little bit. :lildevil:

i completely disagree..i feel you should have extremely high expectations..

if your standards are good you will get poor results,
if your standards are great you will get good results,
if your stands are OUTSTANDING you will get everything.

wihtout expectations yo uwill always get boyfriends who dissapoint you...but if you have higher standards and higher expectations, you risk being dissapointed but you also have such a great chance of being swept off yoru feet

I really wish I could explain in more detail my situation with my b/f. It's not that he's not a great guy and KH, I'm far from bitter. It's very complicated.

I really wish I could explain in more detail my situation with my b/f. It's not that he's not a great guy and KH, I'm far from bitter. It's very complicated.
Hi Joanne,

I hope that I didn't upset you. The problem with text is it's hard to judge when someone is joking. I would never judge a relationship because I know how difficult they can be. I also would never judge you in particular after the help and advice you've given me.

Don't feel the need to explain any situation. I know you're more than capable of handling it and asking for help when you want it. I was really happy to see that you've sorted things out with your boyfriend. :bouncy:

i completely disagree..i feel you should have extremely high expectations..

if your standards are good you will get poor results,
if your standards are great you will get good results,
if your stands are OUTSTANDING you will get everything.

wihtout expectations yo uwill always get boyfriends who dissapoint you...but if you have higher standards and higher expectations, you risk being dissapointed but you also have such a great chance of being swept off yoru feet

I know what you are saying, Alex but I think people treat "dating" way too seriously as it is. Too goal oriented. I think it should be like travel. You get on a plane and you fly somewhere you have never been and you jump off onto the tarmac and see what fate holds for you there. It could be freaky, it could be serious, it could be more fun than one human should have, it could SUCK. But to me, that's dating. Ride it.

Jennifer

Give without expectation.

In other relationship terms though, setting expectations is important, communicating them is even more important.

Setting and communicating your expectations, and demanding that of your partner is the foundation for a great relationship. In all honesty, this has not been my strongpoint but I strive for it.

The higher the expectations, the greater the risk for disappointment but the greater the possibility of tremendous reward as well.

Fortune favors the bold - set high expectations and live a life of unreasonable happiness.

John

Fortune favors the bold - set high expectations and live a life of unreasonable happiness.

I like this sentiment. :)

Hi Joanne,

I hope that I didn't upset you. The problem with text is it's hard to judge when someone is joking. I would never judge a relationship because I know how difficult they can be. I also would never judge you in particular after the help and advice you've given me.

Don't feel the need to explain any situation. I know you're more than capable of handling it and asking for help when you want it. I was really happy to see that you've sorted things out with your boyfriend. :bouncy:


You didn't upset me KH, it takes a heck of a lot to upset me but thank you very much for your concern. I just felt the need to explain that I'm not bitter, just a little unsure, thats all. :dontknow:

I really wish I could explain in more detail my situation with my b/f. It's not that he's not a great guy and KH, I'm far from bitter. It's very complicated.


No one can really understand what is going on in a relationship except the two people involved.
I started the thread for fun, and it got serious. Remember, beauty is in the eye's of the beholder. :)

It may have gotten serious.... but this is a really good thread!! :yup: :popcorn:

Do you gals think you'd feel different if a really, really great guy was in your life?

What exactly do these men do that cause you to feel you have to let go of expectations?
I'm not so sure that's a great idea. I have expectations of my dates, the people I have grown closer to, my family, etc. Sometimes the expectation is just for respect and common decency. Others, the expectations are higher.

Does it lead to me being frustrated when those expectations are not met? Sure. But not having them would be worse for me... like giving up somehow. Or maybe not having personal standards.


Just my .02,

-CP

I agree when talking about the subject of giving. That is to say, it is good to give of yourself without the expectation of getting something in return. Generosity with strings attached is always bad for a relationship.

However, I disagree when talking about roles and responsibilities within a relationship. For example, it is okay to expect a man to share resposibilities with you. The most common responsibility of a man is to provide. IMHO, I think he should meet this expectation, or you should kick him to the curb. If the woman provides the income, the man should take care of responsibilities of the household while the woman is away at work. If he does not.... you got it.... kick him to the curb.

Call me old fashioned.:lildevil:

I feel, the bottom line for any relationship, is to expect eachother to meet half way. Expect to be treated as an equal partner and you will be. Fail to have this most basic expectation, and I think you'll end up disappointed. Does that make sense?

gm

Having no expectations in order to save yourself from disappointment is another way of saying you're going to play not to lose rather than play to win.

Um, yeah.. what the smart dude said. :thumb:

-CP

Expect nothing. Hope for everything! :yup:

I've been hostile towards relationships for the last year of my life. Now there's this girl (who I can't be with) that I really care about. Caring about someone is so wonderful and getting that back is even more amazing. I'm so glad to be teaching her everything that I've learnt from motivational speakers and the like.

Basically that quote sums it up for me. Y'all girls are just bitter and need to spice things up a little bit. :lildevil:

Give without expectation.

In other relationship terms though, setting expectations is important, communicating them is even more important.

Setting and communicating your expectations, and demanding that of your partner is the foundation for a great relationship. In all honesty, this has not been my strongpoint but I strive for it.

The higher the expectations, the greater the risk for disappointment but the greater the possibility of tremendous reward as well.

Fortune favors the bold - set high expectations and live a life of unreasonable happiness.

John

Yeah, it is, especially after I realized something. LOL
It epitomizes the double standard: guys have high expectations, and women are realists and know they cannot expect anything from the opposite sex.

No one can really understand what is going on in a relationship except the two people involved.
I started the thread for fun, and it got serious. Remember, beauty is in the eye's of the beholder. :)

Don't get me wrong Cathy, I am having fun :yippee: see?

It's a great thread!

Don't get me wrong Cathy, I am having fun :yippee: see?

It's a great thread!


I know, and you know what, it also became a cultural experiment....LMAO look at my previous post.

Yeah, it is, especially after I realized something. LOL
It epitomizes the double standard: guys have high expectations, and women are realists and know they cannot expect anything from the opposite sex.

:worship:

We can expect sex from the opposite sex...but that topic is in another thread :bouncy:

:worship:

We can expect sex from the opposite sex...but that topic is in another thread :bouncy:


:biglaugh: true, true!!!!

I know, and you know what, it also became a cultural experiment....LMAO look at my previous post.

Maybe we females would be best off to think of a relationship in terms of sports....see the above post about "playing not to lose instead of playing to win." Maybe they're thinking in terms of picking us for their dodgeball team or something.....:confused:

yeesh....:hopeless:

A limiting belief fest! :D

Go, Coach, go...Do your thing...

Jennifer

Maybe we females would be best off to think of a relationship in terms of sports....see the above post about "playing not to lose instead of playing to win." Maybe they're thinking in terms of picking us for their dodgeball team or something.....:confused:

OMG, you hit the nail on the head Julia! Maybe if I were a freaken football then my idiot b/f would want to spend some time with me :curse:

OMG, you hit the nail on the head Julia! Maybe if I were a freaken football then my idiot b/f would want to spend some time with me :curse:

You were with the wrong guy before when you dated him and now you're with the wrong guy again. When you know, you know. It really is that simple, chica. Life, and maybe the perfect guy for you, is passing you by...

-CP

You were with the wrong guy before when you dated him and now you're with the wrong guy again. When you know, you know. It really is that simple, chica. Life, and maybe the perfect guy for you, is passing you by...

-CP

You are so right CP!

Here's a tip that will help in building a good relationship...

Learn how to communicate....

Covey said it best, "If you want to be understood, seek first to understand." That means you have to listen, look at things from the other person's point of view, and respond in a genuine and caring manner.

:tiphat:

You are so right CP!

Yeah, I'm capable of that (being right) from time to time. :tiphat:

-CP

I think it's perfectly fine to have VERY high expectations, and kick any loser who doesn't meet them to the curb faster than he can return his mother's BMW.

A limiting belief fest! :D


Jennifer

No kidding Jen, so true. The problem isn't having expectations, it's allowing people who don't meet them into our lives. And then (women we're so good at this), blaming yourself when he doesn't meet your expectations. Yeah, it's my problem alright, I'm the one with the high expectations. I guess if I lower them or get rid of them then that'll mean this low-level giver will have a chance with me. :yikes:

I wish I could explain more. It's very complicated.

Complicated is the story we tell
when we no longer feel we can make it the way we want.


"You see, it's like this ....."
Yeah, it might be ..... and I'm sure you're the only one. :hopeless:
Perhaps with your exact wording and storyline, but it's all been said before. Theres nothing new under Our Sun!


Three words of advice ..... Get Over It!

Three more words for ya ..... Be ..... Do ..... Have

I'm 110% certain that nobody gets into a relatioship just to see it devolve into an "OK" or less-than ideal situation that can be likened to a Comedians act. When We as Humons Do Love, it'd because we want to SING!
I'm 110% certain that any devolution is a two-way street. That YinYang-thing. Well, if HE did this or if She did THAT, we wouldn't be where we are. [:insert sulkymopey-faced smilie here:]

I'm also 110% certain that Passion is a Flavor Best savored on a regular basis. Savored on the Lips, and savored in the Mind. Right now, if You were to select the 3 most juciest moments of those less-than-orbital relationships, I'd bet you You could. IF You really wanted to. I'd also bet that You could easily remember 3 more. IF You really wanted to. I'd ALSO be willing to bet that, IF You really wanted to, You could just as easily remember to forget that that you do not want, and instead ...... Focus upon what it is You DO Want! If even for just an Hour. Would You like to Fall in Love all over again? It's easy, IF You Try. It's easy ..... It's sooooo easy, like taking candy from a Baby. It's Easy ..... IF You are willing to forget now the Story of that less-than, and choose to remember to Focus on what it is You DO Want. not the maybe, no the might be. One what you DO WANT!

Right Here. Right Now.

What is it You DO Want? I don't know! but I do know this ..... it ain't mediocraty! It ain't a peck on the cheek. It ain't a PeeWee Herman show or a "Doug & Wendy Whiner's" skit. It ain't a single scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream when yer standing in front of the counter at Stone Cold or Auntie Shirley's Old Time 64 Flavor Ice Cream Emporium watching them Mix and Kneed and Shape that Cocoanut and Blackberry and Chocolate DoubleDecker Waffle Cone for the Kids standing there with Big Blue Eyes watching every move with rapt and eager attention and delight.

Thats what you DON'T want!

So ..... what is it You DO want?

You know what it is. Right Now, you know what it is! IF You want that ..... BE THAT! Yes, You know that, so BE That! That that You want to BE. It ain't up to He, and it ain't up to She. It's up to THEE to BE!

BE is the Step that can be the hardest to take. But when you do, doors you forgot present will swing open wide in Invitation!
BE is allowing the past to now fade from the view of future memory.
BE is Allowing the Present to BE a Gift. Today and Everyday.
When You Allow now the BE in your Life to Guide Your Focus, the DO is easier to do. So Do the DO You want to Do, to BE the She or He You wanna see and BE!

Expectations are absolutely the Bedrock of a strong Relationship, Romance, Career, Picnic, Obligation. But the REAL expectation is on the Shoulder of the Expector. BE what it is You enVision, to Allow the other to SEE what it is You Expect.

What about the "Have"? BE and DO set "It" Up to HAVE ANYTHING and EVERYTHING Your Heart Desires. To Have, you must first Do, and to DO, you must first BE.

BE That, that You expect others to BE.
BE That, that You Dream You want Now to SEE.

Wow, this is the saddest thread I've read in a long time. If I had the two of you here I'd have to pull a Cher in "Moonstruck" on y'all.

*slap* SNAP OUT OF IT!

edit (cause I ain't done yet)

To actually have no expectations of your boyfriend is the same as having absolutely no self-respect. You think you might be giving him some slack because he's got other issues to deal with. Well, so what! What you are really doing is teaching him to treat you horribly and to disregard your feelings on a continual basis. Get a clue, ladies. These men don't need to be taught poor relationship habits any more than puppies need to be trained to **** on the floor.

So for your homework tonight I want you think about two things:
Are you confusing pity for love?
Is this relationship mere convenience?

Apologies for the vehemence. You hit a hot button.

I think you deserve far, far better even if you don't.

It would be terrible if this subject turned into a gender war. Well, I'm in a mood that has me particularly tired of hearing women bash men.....:p

So, here's a little tit for tat.... Men are tired of having their ears talked off with incomprehensible jibber-jabber. In other words ladies... you talk to frickin much! :lildevil:

It would be terrible if this subject turned into a gender war. Well, I'm in a mood that has me particularly tired of hearing women bash men.....:p

So, here's a little tit for tat.... Men are tired of having their ears talked off with incomprehensible jibber-jabber. In other words ladies... you talk to frickin much! :lildevil:

You think we talk to much??? You never met my boyfriend!

And screenmom, you are so damn right!

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see any direct man bashing.

And at the ripe old age of 35, I know better than to bash women. I love 'em too much for that.

-CP

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see any direct man bashing.

And at the ripe old age of 35, I know better than to bash women. I love 'em too much for that.

-CP

Thank you CP :blowkiss: You're a doll!

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see any direct man bashing.

And at the ripe old age of 35, I know better than to bash women. I love 'em too much for that.

-CP

hmmmm....:hmm: I could be wrong about this....

Get a clue, ladies. Men don't need to be taught poor relationship habits any more than puppies need to be trained to **** on the floor.

I think it's perfectly fine to have VERY high expectations, and kick any loser who doesn't meet them to the curb faster than he can return his mother's BMW.

Maybe we females would be best off to think of a relationship in terms of sports....see the above post about "playing not to lose instead of playing to win." Maybe they're thinking in terms of picking us for their dodgeball team or something

It epitomizes the double standard: guys have high expectations, and women are realists and know they cannot expect anything from the opposite sex.


I don't mind women taking there digs at men, but if they are going to dish it out.....:lildevil:

You think we talk to much???

sometimes.... yes:yup:

I don't mind women taking there digs at men, but if they are going to dish it out.....:lildevil:

You have every right to take digs at us but that would have to be a new thread, this is for expectations. :p

You have every right to take digs at us but that would have to be a new thread, this is for expectations. :p

okay.... you can expect me to stick up for men.
hehe.... :tiphat:

Gee, screenmom, why are you sugarcoating it so much.......;)

I stay out of relationship threads, usually. I've been married for 20-something years, and really don't do the drama that a "modern relationship" seems to entail. Like this. It sure looks and sounds like the "convenient" thing from what we see posted- might be wrong, but my 19 year old already has this one figured out. Her BF is a slacker, and just wanted to hang out every night. So..... she went out of state to college. Because she isn't going to wait for slacker boy to decide on having a life. They might break up; they might get married; but she isn't going to sit around waiting for him. There is a life out there- if you go find it. But to keep hanging out.... and not doing anything different....... and lowering your cough, cough"expectations"? Uh-uh- RAISE the expectations. And if he won't keep up? NEXT!!

Really. Think about it.

Gosh, you guys really have me thinking now.

When I originally read Screenmom's post, I basically thought she was mostly addressing the females who seemed to have bad expectations- about how they need to step it up and live better.

However, one part does bother me upon re-reading it;
Men don't need to be taught poor relationship habits any more than puppies need to be trained to **** on the floor.
Since I am a dog guy, my problem with this is that I know from personal experience puppies will naturally use the bathroom on the floor until they are taught differently (and I believe that was her point).
Following the analogy, this seems to indicate that Screenmom's perspetive is that men will naturally have poor relationship habbits.
And if that is her belief, I'd suggest that she also should take a look at her own bad expectations. Whenever you begin to generalize your thinking (All men are X, All black people are X, etc) you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice.
Of course, the people who do think that way are really only hurting themselves- and that's their perogative.

Not saying that was the real intent of her post... she can (and probably will) clarify in the not too distant future.

-CP

Okay. Okay. Uncle already.

Before anyone else decides that I'm a man-hating, Lorena Bobbitt wannabe, let me 'splain.

What I left off the statement (and will go and rectify immediately) is the teensy-weensy adjective "These"

So now, and in perpetuity, I am specifically referring to the boyfriends who were so glibly discussed by the women on page 1 of this thread.

Here's what I know and what I was trying to get across in my post (this is very much like having to explain the punchline of a joke. Don't worry, I'll keep my day job) is that we teach our s.o. the rules of the relationship, and since my relationships of this type have only been with men, that's the only example I can use with any truthfulness. By expecting nothing from these men, they will most certainly learn that there is no need for effort, concern, love, or respect. Frankly the same result would come from having no expectations in relationships with their children or parents or employees/employers.

If there is a comparison to be derived from my post about men and puppies, it is that all of the men I have been romantically involved with (including my husband of 11 years) appreciate, no make that, require a direct, easily-identifiable statement of need, as in "Honey, I want you to...." Subtlety is anathema to both men and puppies. Can you imagine trying to train a puppy by only using hints?

But character flaws are equal opportunity. Always have been, always will be.

There.

Still friends? (I don't really bite and I make great cookies.)

Okay. Okay. Uncle already.

Before anyone else decides that I'm a man-hating, Lorena Bobbitt wannabe, let me 'splain.

What I left off the statement (and will go and rectify immediately) is the teensy-weensy adjective "These"

So now, and in perpetuity, I am specifically referring to the boyfriends who were so glibly discussed by the women on page 1 of this thread.

Here's what I know and what I was trying to get across in my post (this is very much like having to explain the punchline of a joke. Don't worry, I'll keep my day job) is that we teach our s.o. the rules of the relationship, and since my relationships of this type have only been with men, that's the only example I can use with any truthfulness. By expecting nothing from these men, they will most certainly learn that there is no need for effort, concern, love, or respect. Frankly the same result would come from having no expectations in relationships with their children or parents or employees/employers.

If there is a comparison to be derived from my post about men and puppies, it is that all of the men I have been romantically involved with (including my husband of 11 years) appreciate, no make that, require a direct, easily-identifiable statement of need, as in "Honey, I want you to...." Subtlety is anathema. Can you imagine trying to train a puppy by only using hints?

But character flaws are equal opportunity. Always have been, always will be.

There.

Still friends? (I don't really bite and I make great cookies.)


You're great screenmom, you need to come around more often!:yippee:

BIG BEAR HUGS for Screenmom!!! She rocks!
(aaawwww... it's a Kodiak moment... grrrrrr... lol)

And I totally agree with the sentiment; "we teach others how to treat us." Definitely.

And YES ladies... men are generally hard-wired (didn't I just say not to generalize? :bonk:) for directness. Hints are lost on us, usually. Sorry. Save yourself the frustration and just come right out and tell us.

-CP

[B]
Hints are lost on us, usually. Sorry. Save yourself the frustration and just come right out and tell us.

-CP

LOL This is so true... I just wish someone had told me this 20 some years ago. I also believe that it is true, that we teach others how to treat us. That is another lesson I learned the hard way. :bonk:

I just felt the need to explain that I'm not bitter, just a little unsure, thats all. :dontknow:It's great that Y'All "aren't bitter." But you (in the generic sense) SURE as hell aren't Happy either.

What is it You Want? (ie - EXPECT) Do HE know that? Do YOU even know that? So far, I've only seen what You don't want. and a couple justifications as to why thats happening.

soooooo ...........

with all these expectations about your Significant Other, what Expectations would You need to have about that Significant Self?


hmmmmmmm ..... I just noticed this one, and found it kinda interesting ..... You might. You might not.
EX-pectations are usually no more that Speculations we want from others. But what REALLY caught my eye is that EX-pectations uses the same two letters most people use to denote a Former Partner. Usually with either a bit of Glee or air of Hostility.
Do some of these EXpectations just set it up to Create the New EX-"Significant Other"?

...And I totally agree with the sentiment; "we teach others how to treat us." Definitely.

And YES ladies... men are generally hard-wired (didn't I just say not to generalize? :bonk:) for directness. Hints are lost on us, usually. Sorry. Save yourself the frustration and just come right out and tell us.-CP

That's great advice once you're in a relationship, but apparently when you're in the beginning stages, being direct may not be a good thing. I'm very direct, and it comes across as "too masculine" apparently. I've been given the gentle advice to "back off"....how do you "back off" and "come right out and tell you" at the same time? :confused:

That's great advice once you're in a relationship, but apparently when you're in the beginning stages, being direct may not be a good thing. I'm very direct, and it comes across as "too masculine" apparently. I've been given the gentle advice to "back off"....how do you "back off" and "come right out and tell you" at the same time? :confused:Is there a REAL GOOD Reason to NOT be yourSelf? Even in those Begining Stages? I'm thinking that would be BEST Time to Let Him or Her know what You want in a Friend or Mate or Partner. No? Yes? Or are we sooooooo willing to Allow "Space" at that time, but not later ..... when it REALLY Matters?

That's great advice once you're in a relationship, but apparently when you're in the beginning stages, being direct may not be a good thing. I'm very direct, and it comes across as "too masculine" apparently. I've been given the gentle advice to "back off"....how do you "back off" and "come right out and tell you" at the same time? :confused:


You have to dance the dance. Your intuition will tell you how direct to be, and of course, his body language. It is weird at the beginning, because there is a certain decorum you have to follow. I came on too strong at the beginning of the relationship I am in now, and it almost ended the relationship.

I'm sure I'm missing something here ..... but ................

You're not REALLY Happy in a Relationship, and you probably knew that from the start, but you've kept it going for Months into Years.
In the beginning, you expected things to be a certain way, and even when they were not 100% that way you wanted, you went forward anyway.
As the Months into Years went on, you gradually loosen those expectations, to where there are no more, and now you expect something different, without DOing something different.

What specifically am I missing here?

I'm sure I'm missing something here ..... but ................

You're not REALLY Happy in a Relationship, and you probably knew that from the start, but you've kept it going for Months into Years.
In the beginning, you expected things to be a certain way, and even when they were not 100% that way you wanted, you went forward anyway.
As the Months into Years went on, you gradually loosen those expectations, to where there are no more, and now you expect something different, without DOing something different.

What specifically am I missing here?

I think it is as simple as assets versus liabilities. If the assets outweigh the liabilities by a strong margin, then I feel it is worthwhile. I think my original post was not right, as I should have not expressed that idea in the relationship forum. I was kidding about my boyfriend and all. My expectations are fully met in this relationship, because the assets outweigh the liabilities by a mucho margin.

I think my original post was not right, as I should have not expressed that idea in the relationship forum. I was kidding about my boyfriend and all.

That is one good thing about women in general - we can vent, seek and get empathy, reassurance and an ear to listen - By other women. Because we vent - we also tend to live longer than men too. Men try to solve all the problems, rather than just listening. Also there is nothing wrong with having a sense of humor about relationships. Sometimes - you have to laugh! Laughter is good medicine, after all.

I don't think there was anything wrong with your original post CJS... it became a popular thread.. what 7 pages already? Don't be too hard on yourself CJS...

It's great that Y'All "aren't bitter." But you (in the generic sense) SURE as hell aren't Happy either.

What is it You Want? (ie - EXPECT) Do HE know that? Do YOU even know that? So far, I've only seen what You don't want. and a couple justifications as to why thats happening.

You're 100% correct Manta...I'm not happy. I know what I want in a relationship and he knows what I want and he always promises me that he'll "prove" his love to me and after a couple of weeks things go back to the way they were. :hopeless:

It's my fault for letting it happen over and over. He's my best friend. We've been together for 9 years and I've known him since I was 5...we even dated as teenagers. I think it's our history together that keeps my faith in him but yet he kills that faith time and time again.

It's my fault for letting it happen over and over. He's my best friend. We've been together for 9 years and I've known him since I was 5...we even dated as teenagers. I think it's our history together that keeps my faith in him but yet he kills that faith time and time again.

I am a bit late coming into this thread Joanne, but I guess this might be the same mentality as someone who holds onto a stock for too long, or continues to work on a goal that isn't paying dividends. You've invested 9 years of your life into this relationship and it's hard to just "kill" it because that would negate or devalue the 9 years spent thus far?

Question - where do you see yourself in 9 years time with this relationship?

Paul

So If you know 2 weeks from now, things will be back to the way they were, why not make things the way you want NOW, and make that happen on a Weekly basis, or even a Daily basis? I would imagine BOTH of You would be MUCH Happier because of that Different Directed Focus. Or does it work differently that that? The Different and Directed Focus part I meant.

That's great advice once you're in a relationship, but apparently when you're in the beginning stages, being direct may not be a good thing. I'm very direct, and it comes across as "too masculine" apparently. I've been given the gentle advice to "back off"....how do you "back off" and "come right out and tell you" at the same time? :confused:

I completely agree... in the begining, you gotta dance the dance. Only AFTER it is a relationship should you start being direct.

"How do you "back off" and "come right out and tell you" at the same time?"
Men do this all the time. The answer is simple... speak less.
(See Coach, I'm trying to work your goals in there too!:thumb:)
Actually, the things you should be direct about are only the ones you would normally want to be subtle about... if you want to be kissed, if you need reassurance, etc. And in the beginning you shouldn't be wanting/needing those things constantly anyways, not until it is an actual relationship.

Basically, when people (guys) advise you to back off, we're just saying "Don't appear too needy". We're not saying "be more subtle".

-CP

Joanne, as I've said before, you already know what to do. You just need to summon the courage to do it.

-CP

So If you know 2 weeks from now, things will be back to the way they were, why not make things the way you want NOW, and make that happen on a Weekly basis, or even a Daily basis? I would imagine BOTH of You would be MUCH Happier because of that Different Directed Focus. Or does it work differently that that? The Different and Directed Focus part I meant.

It already has been two weeks Manta and things have spiraled downhill very quickly. I have brought it to his attention but he can be very stubborn.

To answer your question Paul, where do I see myself with this relationship in nine years, well, besides older, I really haven't given it much thought. When we first began our relationship I thought that we would be married at this point. :banghead: I guess I'm going to have to do some homework this weekend.

CP, I know what I need to do and I believe I finally have the courage to do it.

Thank you all for your help and especially to CJS for starting this thread, and I mean that sincerely.

I wish You well with your HomeWork.
It seems You already know Your Answers.

Here's to Homework and Tests. May we ALWAYS Learn from them and Grow.

It already has been two weeks Manta and things have spiraled downhill very quickly. I have brought it to his attention but he can be very stubborn.

To answer your question Paul, where do I see myself with this relationship in nine years, well, besides older, I really haven't given it much thought. When we first began our relationship I thought that we would be married at this point. :banghead: I guess I'm going to have to do some homework this weekend.

CP, I know what I need to do and I believe I finally have the courage to do it.

Thank you all for your help and especially to CJS for starting this thread, and I mean that sincerely.

You're welcome :) Gosh, I hope you don't make any rash decisions about this. I have made impulsive decisions about the relationship stuff, and I always regret it.....think it through. :thumb: and good luck!

You're welcome :) Gosh, I hope you don't make any rash decisions about this. I have made impulsive decisions about the relationship stuff, and I always regret it.....think it through. :thumb: and good luck!

I agree with this advice. Joanne... I may still be catching up a bit here, but without meaning any offense to anyone who has posted, it's often easier to give advice... especially about ending a relationship than it is actually doing it. I don't doubt the sincerity of the advice for one minute, nor whether it may be the right advice. But only you can answer that Joanne.

What I would guess, is that if you have been in a relationship for 9 years, no matter what the bad things are... there must be good things to right? Either that, or you are having some of your needs met by staying in this relationship.

I think that is where you need to think/reflect and what you need to identify. By this I mean... is it all bad? Or 80% bad or 60% bad etc etc.... or is it what you are focusing on and losing the sense of balance of how it is in reality. If it is bad... are you getting some needs being met from it not being great? If you aren't happy, what is holding you back from leaving him - fear, or sense of loss, or do you think things could just be better. If they could be better - what would you change?

By the way - change is hard to do unto others - so what can you change about yourself? Because in reality that is really the only thing you can control.

Paul

I am a bit late coming into this thread Joanne, but I guess this might be the same mentality as someone who holds onto a stock for too long, or continues to work on a goal that isn't paying dividends. You've invested 9 years of your life into this relationship and it's hard to just "kill" it because that would negate or devalue the 9 years spent thus far?

Question - where do you see yourself in 9 years time with this relationship?

Paul

The time element is a factor if a person is miserable. Yeah, I have to agree, why spend 9 more years unhappy? 9 years is enough time to test a product. ;) I know the fear of the unknown has to be a factor too. You know what life is like now, but how would you feel if you did break up? It is scary.

The time element is a factor if a person is miserable. Yeah, I have to agree, why spend 9 more years unhappy? 9 years is enough time to test a product. ;) I know the fear of the unknown has to be a factor too. You know what life is like now, but how would you feel if you did break up? It is scary.I think a better question might be .....

either in or out of a relationship ..... How Do I Want To Feel .... Today and Everyday?

exactly. :) good point.

I will admit to having a small piece of information not included in the posts here... since she told a few of us in the chatroom, and it's not exactly a deeply personal thing, I doubt Jo will mind me restating it here.
She only recently got back with this person again, and when she did, it was somewhat against her own instincts. She talked to a few of us that night in chat about her doubts and her lack of fulfillment, and his complete disregard for her in that area.
Honestly, I am kind of surprised that she actually agreed to get back with him at all. Now, only a week or two into it again, and he's back the same old him, it seems.
Some patterns are just very hard to break from most people, I guess. Even unhealthy patterns.

-CP

I will admit to having a small piece of information not included in the posts here... since she told a few of us in the chatroom, and it's not exactly a deeply personal thing, I doubt Jo will mind me restating it here.
She only recently got back with this person again, and when she did, it was somewhat against her own instincts. She talked to a few of us that night in chat about her doubts and her lack of fulfillment, and his complete disregard for her in that area.
Honestly, I am kind of surprised that she actually agreed to get back with him at all. Now, only a week or two into it again, and he's back the same old him, it seems.
Some patterns are just very hard to break from most people, I guess. Even unhealthy patterns.

-CP

That is interesting CP - Joanne - I think if you would prefer to have that removed, just let CP or Tom know and I am sure it can be edited or removed.

I say interesting because that still says to me that Joanne feels some draw... it takes a lot to split, but having done so... I imagine it takes a lot to get back together again too (esp. if against your instincts). So my question to Joanne would still be.... what is it that attracts you to this relationship? What are you getting out of it that you either feel you can't or didn't get elsewhere?

Paul

Exactly as Paul said... will be removed immediately if you do not wish that to be out there.

As I said, thought it'd be ok since you said all of this to several of us friends in the chat room. But if not, don't hesitate to let me know.

-CP

It already has been two weeks Manta and things have spiraled downhill very quickly. I have brought it to his attention but he can be very stubborn.

To answer your question Paul, where do I see myself with this relationship in nine years, well, besides older, I really haven't given it much thought. When we first began our relationship I thought that we would be married at this point. :banghead: I guess I'm going to have to do some homework this weekend.

CP, I know what I need to do and I believe I finally have the courage to do it.

Thank you all for your help and especially to CJS for starting this thread, and I mean that sincerely.


Trust yourself....

Think with your head, but follow your heart. Act on what you instinctively "feel" is the right thing to do, and everything will be okay.:yup:

Good luck Joanne!
gm

Coachinator,

I like to call that "Think from the Heart and Feeling with the Mind."

Semantics? Well ...... maybe. It depends on the individual doin' the Thinking and Feeling I suppoz.

But I think in this case, Joane already has her Answer.
Good Luck with Your Act I On.

You guys have been wonderful and CP, I honestly don't mind that you posted what I said in the chatroom.

I haven't made any rash decisions yet and I haven't thought much about it today. My sister called me this morning to tell me that her husband of 19 years is leaving her, so right now my only concern is her.

Thank you again....everyone.

Jo Rocks! :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz: :rulz:

-CP

Head on:

Of course, I won't fritter my time away visualising all night if my boyfriend would bring me a gift on Valentine's Day or if he will lavish praise on my new hair-cut. That's expecting. But, yes, I agree with our Coach when he says you've got to give and also expect in return to be respected in a relationship.

If a guy can't give as little as respect to the girl he loves, then I would better kick him in his nose (and continue to do so till he drops!)

I firmly believe respect of fellow human beings is the most important requisite in any kind of human relationship be it romantic love, marriage, teacher-student, parent-child etc. Respect has to be contributed from both the sides irrespective of their age difference and other distinguishing factors. Period.

I met my wife about two months after deciding that I was done with relationships. Not in a bitter way at all, I was just done with swimming upstream. I decided I would rather die single than be treated poorly. I always knew that the woman I was meant to marry wouldn't play mind games and wouldn't treat me like crap.

Two month (maybe even 6 weeks) later, I met the same total stranger three times in one week. My 'God' was trying to tell me something.

Sure enough, 3.5 years later we were married and are expecting our second child Jan. 11. I thank God every day I didn't stick around to experience the disasters of any of my 'difficult' or 'fiesty' or 'moody' girlfriends.

Your 'God' or 'Gods' or 'spirit' has a plan for you. Are you listening?

I thank God every day I didn't stick around to experience the disasters of any of my 'difficult' or 'fiesty' or 'moody' girlfriends.


First off, congrats on your happiness with your wife and growing family! :kewl:

Seondly I wanted to say, it's been my experience that every woman can be difficult, fiesty and moody. But that's where the magic is... that's why I am fascinated and challenged by them. For me, it's not about finding one without those qualities (I really dont think one exists), it's about learning to dance with those qualities when they surface.
When she's being difficult, point it out in a way that makes her realize it and laugh.
When she's being fiesty, go somewhere you can be intimate. You'll be amazed!
When she's being moody, lead her to a place where she can just be happy.

Just a thought...

-CP

First off, congrats on your happiness with your wife and growing family! :kewl:

Seondly I wanted to say, it's been my experience that every woman can be difficult, fiesty and moody. But that's where the magic is... that's why I am fascinated and challenged by them. For me, it's not about finding one without those qualities (I really dont think one exists), it's about learning to dance with those qualities when they surface.
When she's being difficult, point it out in a way that makes her realize it and laugh.
When she's being fiesty, go somewhere you can be intimate. You'll be amazed!
When she's being moody, lead her to a place where she can just be happy.

Just a thought...

-CP


What do you mean we're moody and difficult :curse: You have your nerve, how could you be so cruel?:cry: I feel much better now:yippee:

Seondly I wanted to say, it's been my experience that every woman can be difficult, fiesty and moody. But that's where the magic is... that's why I am fascinated and challenged by them. For me, it's not about finding one without those qualities (I really dont think one exists), it's about learning to dance with those qualities when they surface.
When she's being difficult, point it out in a way that makes her realize it and laugh.
When she's being fiesty, go somewhere you can be intimate. You'll be amazed!
When she's being moody, lead her to a place where she can just be happy.

Just a thought...

-CP

I just registered a few days ago. I don't know you , but I like you already. Your post made me smile. Good to see a man that is fascinated and challenged by woman.

Nomad

Hi Nomad....Yeah CP comes up with some real gems. LOL That is why all of us women would like to clone the man! ;) But we can't tell him that too often or it might go to his head... :yikes: :bonk:

As Joanne1216 has said, this thread is about expectations. My expectations are that my partner treats me with the same respect I treat her, which has always been to the best of my ability. 'Fiesty' or 'moody' are often the excuses or given as a defense and they are neither. They are excuses for treating the other partner poorly. They are simply disrespectful actions. "Treat others as you would have them treat you", isn't that the quote?

Hmmmm...my wife would like this thread. She's coming across a little too perfect. I didn't mean that she is flawless. definitely not. Neither am I ("no **** Sherlock", says my wife). We both definitely have our moments.

But while we may butt heads occasionally, which is healthy, we are always swimming down the same stream together. It sounds like a few of the relationships in this thread aren't.

CerebralPrimate, my wife and I have 'danced' during the difficult times, my friend, but always with respect to each other. In my opinion, that's the biggest difference.

bump...:thumb: