Maybe I am weird or strange or something...but why is it that I hear of breakups and divorces and there is such acrimony and hatred or sorrow and pain.

It's not that I don't understand all the thoughts and emotions that one goes through when these things happen but I only have one ex that I do not speak to except through a lawyer.

Each and every other one...I am friends with and I still love them for what we shared. I tell them that...they tell me the same. So why doesn't it work that way with most people?

It confuses me greatly that two mature adults cannot work through their differences and just learn that they are not meant to be together for whatever reason.

I've learned from my last relationship that not all things are as they seem even if the words and promises were meant in all honesty. Sometimes, life throws huge curveballs and you just have to let it go by the wayside.

I just don't understand the other stuff that goes with it is all. Maybe I am strange...does anyone else keep exes as friends? Or am I just way off the charts on this one?

CS

I'm friends with the majority of my exes. Just got an email from one a few minutes ago with job postings he thought I might be interested in. This is a guy who left me high and dry 20 years ago while I was at work one day. He moved out of the house and ran 1500 miles away. He lied to me about why he left me, and it took 18 years for him to tell me the truth. Bottom line, I don't care about any of that. He's a decent human being and so am I, and we decided to be friends. No funny business. His wife and I exchange Christmas cards and photos of our kids. So there you go. I am a "friends for life" person, and that is what feels right to me. :)

Hi CS!

My ex-husband and ex-boyfriend are two of my
very best friends. I was "best woman" at my
ex-husband's wedding, giving him away to a
woman who has also become a very good friend.

I've been divorced for almost 25 years. My ex
and I have two sons, and he has a son and
a daughter from his second marriage. We all
get together for birthdays and special occasions
throughout the year. I'm having everybody over
for Christmas Eve, but my ex insists on paying for
all the food. We'll be shopping, just the two of us,
this Friday to buy all the goodies for the festive
meal. And early Christmas Eve morning, he'll be
coming over to my home to cook the turkey. As
I am vegetarian, I sure won't be stuffing that
poor bird!

Though we've had some rough times, I've always
managed to keep the love in our family. The kids
are happy, we're happy, life is a barrel of laughs!

Glad to know you gals have focused on keeping
it all together also. It sure is rewarding.

Big hugs,
Mudd
xoxox

I think it is somewhat dependent on the situation. I have been friends with some ex's and have shut out others completely.


My last ex decided after we broke up continued to contact me, she became somewhat vicious so I broke off all contact with her after dating for 7 years.

Last time I ran into her, I said hello, and walked on by.

Also if the person was dysfunctional and that's why you broke up with them, why would you want to keep in contact with them?


I agree with Wand. It does depend on the situation. I'm friends with all my ex's except the most recent one and who knows maybe someday we can be friends :thumb:

My friends mother and father got divorced in 1979.

They have been having an affair with each other, and regularly go out on dates and have done so since 1990.

Is that weird? I think so.

Do I find it weird that my wifes ex boyfriend insists on sending her a Christmas present? Yes.

My ex wife took me to the cleaners mainly due to her father pushing her to do so. If I saw her in the street, I would speak to her, although I wouldnt bother calling her, or going to visit her.

As I said on the other thread, there is something that made you leave, or made them leave. Unless that has changed, and normally it hasnt, why bother?

I have an ex-wife, and I have a Former Wife.

I last spoke with the ex-wife in 1995, over some child support non-sense she was attempting to pull as our Son was approaching his 18th Birthday.

I last spoke with my Former Wife when I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday in November. We had a great talk, and got to catch up on the wazz'up of Our Lives.

It's easy to use others peoples word patterns, typically when there is no other reason to do otherwise.
If this "ex-person" is still a Part of Your Life, perhaps there's a different term to use than "Ex," since it congers up some pretty negative Thoughts and Emotions for just about everyone.



just a suggestion ..... consider it part of Your Daily Zen.

Hey Manta!

"Ex" doesn't conjure up anything negative in "my" life.
In Québec, we say "Mon Ex" all the time...with a smile.

Of course, when I'm not online, I call my...um...Former Husband
by his name. And when I introduce him to people, I say this is
G., the father of my children. Lately, I've started introducing him
as My First Love. That makes him feel sooooo manly. :D

Big hugs,
Mudd
xoxox

I have no doubt You have created Positive Associations Madam Mudd, and thats a Good Thing!

My suggestion was made because I see (and hear) soooooooo many people say "ex" with a twing of something in their voice that is less-than-positive. Perhaps just from hearing others say it that way, but more likely because at that moment, they are focused on the "why I'm not with them now" reasons.

Either way, I was just tossing out a different Possibility of Thinking.

My HUGGGGGGS to You as Well Darlin'!

It confuses me greatly that two mature adults cannot work through their differences and just learn that they are not meant to be together for whatever reason.

What makes you think people like that are mature?

Jennifer

Well my ex husband came around last night and was he usually demanding self.

As to whether we stay friends or not - it's his ego that needs to be curbed? Our differences could not be meet in the relationship - hence my ending it and asking for the divorce.

He mentioned (yet again) that he does not want to be friends - great - then disappear is my thoughts.

The only tie with him now is that he is looking after my 12 year old cat and has agreed to do this until I am able to get her. I have told him if she get to much - put her in a nice cattery and I will then get her nad pay all bills. Even this offer - is all too much for him....

So as sad as it is too loose a friend - I will do it. He can not let go!:thumb:

My mom and dad are divorced and they pretty much hang out. Holidays together, shop together...not a ton of time but they are friends.

Jennifer

My mom and dad are divorced and they pretty much hang out. Holidays together, shop together...not a ton of time but they are friends.

Jennifer

Do they get jiggy?

Doubt it. They live apart. Dad used to be a hottie and mom was a stunner. But now I doubt either one turns on the other. ;)

Jennifer

GR8

As I've said before...you and I do think alike a lot of the times. Thanks for the input...now I feel like I am not so crazy!! Then again...*lol*

CS

Hey Mudd

You and I seem to have pretty much the same philosophies on some things. Good on ya girl!!

I stopped doing holidays years ago...now I holiday whenever I want...I give gifts all year round...and around this time of the year...I ignore the hooplah and pretty much stay away from malls and the like. *shudder*

With old friends and flames, I have no problem calling them and saying..."Hey, what's up and do you have time to hang out?" Cranky wives and all...frankly, I don't give a hoot about the wife's crankiness...each and every person on this earth and any other planet that contains life...has the choice of being or not being friends with someone and no one should be able to decide who is and isn't a friend for someone else.

Enjoy your holidays and tell your old love to go easy on that bird!! *chuckle*

And I am glad to have met you!

*hugs*
CS

I think it is somewhat dependent on the situation. I have been friends with some ex's and have shut out others completely.


My last ex decided after we broke up continued to contact me, she became somewhat vicious so I broke off all contact with her after dating for 7 years.

Last time I ran into her, I said hello, and walked on by.

Also if the person was dysfunctional and that's why you broke up with them, why would you want to keep in contact with them?

Wand...the only one I shut out was the father of my girls. He abused me and when I left, he started on the girls...to this very day...I would slap him so far into next week that his clothing would be clean if I ever saw him.

It wasn't so much that they were dysfunctional...it was the fact that their minds couldn't keep up to mine and after a while...it was just better to be friends...because for me...it's all about the mind...the better the mind, the better the loving. Make sense?

CS

Joanne

Give it time and you'll see if that can work or not. Sometimes it just works and other times, it just doesn't!

As for your recent former partner...maybe he just needs that time for himself to learn and grow. Who knows????

CS

I have an ex-wife, and I have a Former Wife.

I last spoke with the ex-wife in 1995, over some child support non-sense she was attempting to pull as our Son was approaching his 18th Birthday.

I last spoke with my Former Wife when I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday in November. We had a great talk, and got to catch up on the wazz'up of Our Lives.

It's easy to use others peoples word patterns, typically when there is no other reason to do otherwise.
If this "ex-person" is still a Part of Your Life, perhaps there's a different term to use than "Ex," since it congers up some pretty negative Thoughts and Emotions for just about everyone.



just a suggestion ..... consider it part of Your Daily Zen.

As you can see by my replies to all y'all...I've taken that suggestion and incorporated it into my language. See it never really brings up the negative for me...as for Mudd...probably because we are only two hours apart and sometimes, I bet she speaks Franglais too...as do I...I also speak a bit of spanish...I believe the term for that Spanglish.

I actually threw all three together the other day when my daughter asked me in spanish..."Donde esta el banyo?" And no, I cannot write Spanish but understand and speak some yes, so forgive the spelling errors!! The lady who was sitting with me said..."What did you just say?"...I thought about it and started to laugh. Just goes to show how great our minds really are.

Thanks for the Zen lesson there Manta *hug*

CS

What makes you think people like that are mature?

Jennifer

You have a point although all of my old loves were mature...except for the last one...he was 20 and I was 39 when we married...he was 20 in age and 400 in the mind...he's mature in a different way than most men is all.

And as for the maturity levels of adults...sometimes, it is hard to say whether or not they are mature. I act like a kid sometimes but then again, I live in a far different world than most so it does have an effect on my thinking...I can also be mature too...and HEY...at midnight on the 21st...it was my 46th time around the sun!! I just realized it when I started thinking about maturity! *chuckle* Thanks for reminding me!!

*hugs*
Barbara

Well my ex husband came around last night and was he usually demanding self.

As to whether we stay friends or not - it's his ego that needs to be curbed? Our differences could not be meet in the relationship - hence my ending it and asking for the divorce.

He mentioned (yet again) that he does not want to be friends - great - then disappear is my thoughts.

The only tie with him now is that he is looking after my 12 year old cat and has agreed to do this until I am able to get her. I have told him if she get to much - put her in a nice cattery and I will then get her nad pay all bills. Even this offer - is all too much for him....

So as sad as it is too loose a friend - I will do it. He can not let go!:thumb:

Dancing

You've made me laugh...I've often thought to myself...well if you don't want to be here...bugger off...and for the most part...they eventually do.

My young old love still has my Service Dogs as I cannot care for them right now myself and it's breaking my heart. I speak to them frequently during the week and cry after I get off the phone. Tears me apart not to have them here by my side but I will do what I must and then in Jan/Feb, they will be returing to me. Wooooohooooooo!!

*hug*
CS

My friends mother and father got divorced in 1979.

They have been having an affair with each other, and regularly go out on dates and have done so since 1990.

Is that weird? I think so.

Do I find it weird that my wifes ex boyfriend insists on sending her a Christmas present? Yes.

My ex wife took me to the cleaners mainly due to her father pushing her to do so. If I saw her in the street, I would speak to her, although I wouldnt bother calling her, or going to visit her.

As I said on the other thread, there is something that made you leave, or made them leave. Unless that has changed, and normally it hasnt, why bother?

Hey Chuck

Why is it weird that your parents are having an affair? Maybe that is the spice that keeps their relationship alive!!

Not weird on the old boyfriend thing either...I have anywhere from 15-20 gifts during the year (because they all get the idea I don't do conventional holidays!) from old loves and friends. I find nothing strange about that at all!!

Ah yes, the acrimony rears it's ugly head and it is understandable why you would not contact her but I am certainly happy to hear that you would at least acknowledge her presence. You are the far better person in that way!! Good onya!!

Why bother? The answer to that is that fact that the men I have had in my life were friends with me before any relationship ever developed and going back to that after breaking up and working things out between us...it is part of my life philosophy...and it makes sense. Why burn your bridges if you don't have to? Many of them have come to my aid when I needed a place to rest for a couple of hours when on a trip, or have made the time for him and I to just catch up and hang out. I may not see them for years at a time...but without fail...when they see me...they open their arms and I am launching myself there for a hug.

It's the answers I am seeing here that make me think I am not so strange after all. I just wish it was like that for everyone but as Jenny said...what makes me think they were mature to begin with...I am still searching for answers in life about relationships and what better way to find them than to ask here??

CS

My former husband and I parted as “family and friends”. We occasionally talk on the phone and when I am traveling I always stop by for a visit. :)

My last long-term boyfriend and I parted as really good friends. We talk on the phone all the time and still hang out together and have lots of fun together. :)

I think it all depends on the types of personalities involved and whether or not you truly like each other and have mutual respect for each other.

Hey Chuck

Why is it weird that your parents are having an affair? Maybe that is the spice that keeps their relationship alive!!

Not weird on the old boyfriend thing either...I have anywhere from 15-20 gifts during the year (because they all get the idea I don't do conventional holidays!) from old loves and friends. I find nothing strange about that at all!!

Ah yes, the acrimony rears it's ugly head and it is understandable why you would not contact her but I am certainly happy to hear that you would at least acknowledge her presence. You are the far better person in that way!! Good onya!!

Why bother? The answer to that is that fact that the men I have had in my life were friends with me before any relationship ever developed and going back to that after breaking up and working things out between us...it is part of my life philosophy...and it makes sense. Why burn your bridges if you don't have to? Many of them have come to my aid when I needed a place to rest for a couple of hours when on a trip, or have made the time for him and I to just catch up and hang out. I may not see them for years at a time...but without fail...when they see me...they open their arms and I am launching myself there for a hug.

It's the answers I am seeing here that make me think I am not so strange after all. I just wish it was like that for everyone but as Jenny said...what makes me think they were mature to begin with...I am still searching for answers in life about relationships and what better way to find them than to ask here??

CS

Its not my parents, its a mate of mines. I dont see why they bothered to get divorced, and why they keep it all from their CURRENT other halves - they are both remarried.

I still think its odd that your ex's - and that there are so many of them - woul d want to keep buying you stuff.

I was lucky that I grew up in a "normal" ie one mother, one father, family, and I guess that has shaped my views on things.

What would you say to a new man, if he was weirded out by the fact that your ex's kept sending you gifts?

Mate I'd be stoked for my girl's Ex's to send gifts all the time.

It's called e-bay:D

I got phone calls from two of my former partners yesterday. They both called to wish me Merry Christmas. One of them I've known for 22 years and the other for 24 years. I love and respect them both as friends. :xmastree:

Its not my parents, its a mate of mines. I dont see why they bothered to get divorced, and why they keep it all from their CURRENT other halves - they are both remarried.

I still think its odd that your ex's - and that there are so many of them - woul d want to keep buying you stuff.

I was lucky that I grew up in a "normal" ie one mother, one father, family, and I guess that has shaped my views on things.

What would you say to a new man, if he was weirded out by the fact that your ex's kept sending you gifts?

Chuck

You didn't give that information out so I thought it was your parents or perhaps I didn't read it right but no matter, thanks for straightening it out. Now on that subject...I have NO idea!!

Why is it odd for people to buy gifts for others? Some of these old loves are also female so does that make me even stranger? No, it simply means that I am loved and appreciated for who and what I am. As for numbers...I have dated many over the years of my life, so what? Does that make me some kind of bad person? They don't think so and nor do I.

I wouldn't be dating him for very long that is for sure! These gifts are not in any way shape or form sexual in nature...it may just be something that makes them think of me. Just as I do with them. As for the fellow that I would be dating...he would first off understand that I am way different than most females and the far majority of my friends are male. In fact, I would be sure to tell him of this before it ever got to the dating stage. No man likes a surprise like that and I would never do that to him to begin with. And why would he be dating me if he didn't like what he knew about me already?

Frankly, I don't like the way my own sex treats males for the most part. And I am not saying that men are not just as bad at times, I just don't lump them all together like clay. I look at each individual and decide from there. For the most part...I don't like women as friends. I can count on my hands the number of women in my life who are friends and have been my friends for at the minimum 10-25 years or so. The rest are male. Some are old loves and some are my friends and even those friends, I have known for a great number of years.

Men think far more logically than women for the most part...and don't get your feathers ruffled ladies! Men are wired to think logically first, while females are wired to think emotionally first. Each sex has to be "taught" how to think the opposite way and I don't find many women who choose to be logical, rational and honest in their dealings with men. Some women will cry, pout, whine and moan until the man gives in or feels so bad that he does what she wants him to do. Makes me want to smack the female and tell her to knock it off and just ask for what she wants instead of the..."sniff sniff...you don't love me anymore because you won't...<insert action> for me."

Why would you think that I did not have two parents who are not married to each other still? In fact, they will be married for 47 years this coming July. I have one brother and I am the other and oldest child. So my view of the world was shaped in part by them and mostly by myself. Since the time I became self aware, I wanted to learn and to know more all the time.

I was about 8 years old when I discovered that I had been lied to for 8 years about Santa, the Easter Bunny and all the rest of the pack of lies that our generation and generations before that were fed. I started questioning things and a lot of the time was told to either shut up or go look it up at the library for asking so many questions when they got tired of trying to answer me. My perception of the world is based on my own learning and experiences. Not to say that I did not learn from my parents but to this day I question most everything and try to figure out the how's, why's, whens and where's of things and the way they are.

Hopefully, this gives you a bit more insight.

CS

I have one ex who is still a friend and that's about it. I always moved on rather quickly just because I never saw the point in remaining close. It wasn't a bitterness thing it was more like a....shall we say....clean slate?

Clean Slate.

I never made any assumptions about your parents, I just explained about mine.

You are right about men being logical. And logic - to this male - suggest that when a relationship finishes, it tends to be for a reason.

Thus, I wouldnt keep sending my ex partners presents, as I would have a new partner, with whom I was suitably happy, and wouldnt feel the need to keep knocking on the ex's door bearing gifts.

As Tom says, Clean Slate, and all that.

Paul, Chuck and Debbie!!
I am doing this letter in this format so that I may be able to answer y'all and the pain will stay away for enough time to do this!

Paul;

As for your stats, you are entirely correct. When I was done with my husband, I was done. Finito, Over and Out To The Curb. But I am also one of the wives who told...just not verbally...the man I choose to be with was an alpha male, interestingly enough...and it was made perfectly clear who I was with. There were a lot of group dynamics going on there but we all seemed to have survived, learned and grown from them.

Chuck;

I am not going to tell you how they ended, they ended and that is all you need to know. Only one of them acrimoniously and I feel pity for him...nothing more than pity. But never any pity in the courtroom when it comes to fighting for my children's rights.

This week between 6 to 8 of us will go hang out in a private place we know...and talk...and laugh...and throw out ideas...talk about what we need to. It feels good to have that and knowing that each time I return, it will happen again. That's friends Chuck, real friends and if we send each other gifts, e-mails, cards, heck, I even got a letter written on birch bark...I treasure it...we do and the rest of the world can go jump in a lake. I'll always be true to family and friends. They saved my butt this summer and fall...I am happy to be surround by such much love.

Debbie;
It seems you have found you answer in logic. I think it is absolutely amazing that you just made the right choice, even knowing it was going to hurt...you did it right. When we women think with the logical part of our brains instead of acting on emotion..you'd be surprises at how few mistakes you make. You did the right thing and the only things I can say to you are these...

Enjoy each and every man you meet.
Take your time and reflect on each one.
Best friends make the best lovers...(male or female) *grins*
And you'll never know where you'll find him...but you will!

And way to go for kicking HIS sorry butt out the door...he wasn't worthy of you from what I can garner here in this thread.

Stay safe and outta trouble. Let us know how things are going!

CS