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I seem to have this overwhelming need to feel that my Father feels proud of me.

I'm a grown woman and I'm proud of what I've achieved in my life but my Dad seems to bring me down

His point being I live paycheck to paycheck .... but I don't have masses of debt ... just my mortgage and a new car that I bought.

Please help me get over this ... and rid myself of this 'neediness/approval seeking'.

You seem to be wrapped up in your emotions and asking some interesting questions of yourself.
What I would like to see is you look at it from this perspective.

What are his intentions?
for what purpose is he saying these things?
Where is he coming from?

Try a new perspective.

I will leave it at this just for awhile and come back to make comment.

The desire to please our parents or gain approval from them is with us from the very beginning. Its as much a part of you as your skin.

I obviously dont know your father, but I wonder if its in his nature to be mean and insensitive? We as parents, siblings, friends, and children sometimes, in the name of "for your own good" say harsh things, thinking we are helping. Im going to assume that he actually thought he was (albeit unwittingly) using a pattern interrupt on you. Something about your past and/or present has displeased/displeases him, and he cant seem to get over it.

Either this, or the harsh reality is that he is in fact mean and insensitive, in which case you need to come to grips with the fact that his opinion carries little weight.

Hope this helps.

As Scotty said, I think it's nautral to want that approval from your parents. But keep in mind that to them, when they look at you most often they will still see their little child, not a grown adult. So, they will feel like you need their guidance, including sometimes lecturing you. I think we all get it from time to time. You can explain your side of it patiently, but I'm not sure if it'll get you the results you want.

I try to just focus on what they do well, what I enjoy about them, etc... and just let go of it when they go into lecture mode.

-CP

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Thanks Scooter.

To answer your questions ... I don't know the answer to any of them. I don't know if he deliberately wants to put me down, I don't know if he's deliberately looking for fault and I don't know if he means well. I gave you an example of finances but this happens with just about everthing in my life.

Give it some real thought.

I don't know your father but being a father myself and at time a critical father, I know my intentions are that I want the best for my kids. I don't want them to suffer and I don't want them to learn the hard way.

Is it possible that he doesn't know any other way to communicate this information or concern to you?

I know this doesn't take away the sting but sometimes if you can see from "their" perspective then you can at least empathize with them and maybe even find a way to have open communication.

Its my hallucination that he is not an A*Hole but a concerned father seeing the world through his eyes, living his own fears and applying the filters he has against you.

Just try it on for awhile and see what you get.

Scooter

Thanks POKR. Interesting. I don't believe it's in his nature to be mean and insensitive .. he's not good with feelings or in touch with them. Each time when I say goodbye to him I give him a kiss ... tonight when he upset me ... he gave me a cuddle ... thats the first cuddle I've had from him in 4 years. God, I feel like a little girl again :hmm:

What you said .... "Something about your past and/or present has displeased/displeases him, and he cant seem to get over it" ... that's how I feel but I don't know if thats the case.

Its OK to feel like a little girl around you daddy ;)
I wish I had more of those moments with my girls.
Fathers have a special place in their hearts for their little girls.
You will always be his little girl. Nothing you can do about that.
I know!

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The things he says to you, tell you more about him than about you, I believe.

Could it be that he never learned how to express himself or behave in any other way? Could it be that in a weird way, he's telling you that he cares for you and he's scared something happens to you?

I don't think wanting approval is wrong, but if you're emotional dependant on him for this approval..it's a problem.

Have you ever talked to him about it and how it makes you feel? Maybe he's not the dad you do that with though.


Nomad

It's people like you who give self-help a bad name.

Just joking.

If this wasn't so close to you, if you didn't believe everything he said was the "gospel truth" then you wouldn't feel this way.

what if when he said this, you laughed, or you pitied him, or you got angry with him right then? What if he wasn't an authority figure in your life, but instead someone you tolerated?

I've posted this story many many times.

When I was in my 20s I was at a drug store and there was this total a**hole there with his two boys. He was screaming at the cashier over something that was his fault. The boys looked completely embarrassed and turned to me sort of scared. I shrugged my shoulders and they relaxed, perhaps realizing the ridiculousness of the scene.

Driving home I had an emotional epiphany. Even total jerks like the guy in the store were someone's father. All those jerks you run into doing jerky things, they could have kids. Those total weirdos you would work with- THEY could have kids. My concept of what my father wasn't, that he wasn't doing everything he was supposed to, was completely wrong. My father didn't have to change to be a better father, he was a jerk and he was a jerk in public and a jerk at home. That's who he was. I mean, he could have been a murderer, he could have been a criminal, he could have been anything, but he was a jerk to people he knew.

Then that meant I shouldn't focus on him changing and instead focus on relating to him as one would relate to a jerk. You don't get too close to a jerk. You don't ask a jerk to do you favors. There are lots of things you don't do around jerks.

So I stopped doing these things.

And our relationship got better. I didn't complain when he forgot my birthday or bought me a stupid gift. He was a jerk, just return it already.

I'm not saying it was super-easy, but there was a lot of conflict that left our relationship. There were dreams that I hoped for that I let go.

10 years later my father is a lot better than he was. We get along better. I steer conversation away from topics. I steer conversation toward other things. I walk away when he gets weird. I put the phone away from my ear when he gets weird. I don't experience it, therefore I'm not angry about it and therefore our limited relationship keeps me happy.

So. Ask yourself, is your father a nice person or is he a jerk and how can you forge a successful relationship with him where you don't get upset by his behavior?

What would happen if the next time he says that, you responded to him, "Go f*ck yourself." How would that change the dynamic? Could he be picking on you because you don't say that? I said that one time, one time, and of course was asked to leave my parents house, but do you think my father treated me like that again? heck no. he was much more respectful of me.

SS

I can see that he wants the best for me .... but he doesn't see the best in me ... only what he sees as faults.Since Life is a Mirror of whats happening inside of Us, you might consider that He is REALLY lashing out at his own faults in the personage of You. If I were standing there instead of You, He'd be doing the same thing to me.

It ain't you he's angry at ..... it's Him.

Ok, all those posts were just fine and dandy. Blah, blah blah....

Here's the real deal:


When he starts his pattern (and it is a pattern) you smile, take his hands in yours, look him directly in the eyes and say these words:

Dad, if you ever speak to me like that again, I will cut all ties to you forever. Find a new subject and it had better be a far sight more positive the next time we see each other.

Then grab your purse, walk out the door and let him ponder.

I wasn't born with piles of self-esteem lying around the house but I sure as hell have piles now and I won't tolerate that life-sucking crap from anyone I know.

If you do it right, HE will be looking for YOUR approval.

Just don't forget who is in charge of YOU.

Jennifer

Good advice Jens. Couldn't have put it more eloquently. Chique, your dad may be a caring individual, but he's a bully. Bullies don't do it to other kids necessarily because they hate them, or don't like them, but because they can. You've allowed him to get away with bullying you, and its even worse if sometimes he shows you love then other times he bullies you. Like any other bully, he'll never stop until the day you knock his ass to the floor.

p/s btw, do you remember us having this convo (re:your dad) at TR's about a couple of yrs ago? I do..........Hmmm

I actually think I've upset him now ... because he knows he's upset me.

tonight when he upset me ... he gave me a cuddle ... thats the first cuddle I've had from him in 4 years. Those comments show that by you speaking out even a little bit, you've affected him. Can you imagine what effect you would have if you had a conversation like Jenni suggested?

It ain't you he's angry at ..... it's Him.
:whs:

It's interesting that the first several responses to this thread were from guys, and focused on getting to the heart of the matter, and on parent/dad - child relationships. Deeper stuff. Then Jenni & Midas come along and take the tough, hard-line approach of "don't take that sh!t from him!" Usually it's guys who take the tougher approach.

LOL Awake, I can tell Jenni has been through some of the same stuff I have, in my low to no self esteem days. And with me, some of it WAS family. I also know that I've had to take the tough stance and draw that respect boundary. I know family tends to think they can get away with a lot, cuz they'll do stuff with you they won't do with others.

I mean, if that is OK with some people, fine with me. But Chique seems bothered by the issue. And her dad could be 91 years old, many years from today, and still putting her down. Not me!

Besides, think what her daughter is picking up from what's going on? I always use my daughter as the yardstick, we tend to want good things for people we love more than we do for ourselves. I say to myself, "Would I be OK with her going through this?" If the answer is no, then why is it ok for me?

It's never too late to learn that your kids don't have to take your crap all their lives. Time's up.

Jennifer

Your friends are God's way of apologizing for your family --- Wayne Dyer

But just when everyone is getting all fuzzy about that quote, he turns around and says: "and I said the same thing to your family and they had the exact same reaction as you".:D

Ok, all those posts were just fine and dandy. Blah, blah blah....

Here's the real deal:


When he starts his pattern (and it is a pattern) you smile, take his hands in yours, look him directly in the eyes and say these words:

Dad, if you ever speak to me like that again, I will cut all ties to you forever. Find a new subject and it had better be a far sight more positive the next time we see each other.

Then grab your purse, walk out the door and let him ponder.

I wasn't born with piles of self-esteem lying around the house but I sure as hell have piles now and I won't tolerate that life-sucking crap from anyone I know.

If you do it right, HE will be looking for YOUR approval.

Just don't forget who is in charge of YOU.

Jennifer


Good advice Jen :thumb: No One has the right to make you feel bad!

Ok, all those posts were just fine and dandy. Blah, blah blah....

Here's the real deal:


When he starts his pattern (and it is a pattern) you smile, take his hands in yours, look him directly in the eyes and say these words:

Dad, if you ever speak to me like that again, I will cut all ties to you forever. Find a new subject and it had better be a far sight more positive the next time we see each other.

Then grab your purse, walk out the door and let him ponder.

I wasn't born with piles of self-esteem lying around the house but I sure as hell have piles now and I won't tolerate that life-sucking crap from anyone I know.

If you do it right, HE will be looking for YOUR approval.

Just don't forget who is in charge of YOU.

Jennifer

Chique, here's a :hug: from someone who thinks you're ab-fab! :loveit:

Brilliant, Jenni! When I read the very first post of the thread, I thought to myself, "This guy is running a behavior pattern...."

I agree with what Manta said too. My mom was living with a paralyzing fear of abandonment every minute of every day, and so she tended to behave as though people had already abandoned her.

It's interesting that the first several responses to this thread were from guys, and focused on getting to the heart of the matter, and on parent/dad - child relationships. Deeper stuff. Then Jenni & Midas come along and take the tough, hard-line approach of "don't take that sh!t from him!" Usually it's guys who take the tougher approach. Maybe a situation like this actually takes a combination of it all? Tough AND Soft? Hard AND Understanding.
By being a hardass when you walk out that door, you are not being any 'better' than what you are trying to leave. You may have driven home a point, but many times in doing so, you will have also driven a wedge. unintended perhaps, but a wedge none-the-less.

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Ok, all those posts were just fine and dandy. Blah, blah blah....

Here's the real deal:


When he starts his pattern (and it is a pattern) you smile, take his hands in yours, look him directly in the eyes and say these words:

Dad, if you ever speak to me like that again, I will cut all ties to you forever. Find a new subject and it had better be a far sight more positive the next time we see each other.

Then grab your purse, walk out the door and let him ponder.

I wasn't born with piles of self-esteem lying around the house but I sure as hell have piles now and I won't tolerate that life-sucking crap from anyone I know.

If you do it right, HE will be looking for YOUR approval.

Just don't forget who is in charge of YOU.

Jennifer


3 summers ago I was out in the front yard playing frisbee with 3 of my 5 kids and the other 2 my wife and my dad were on the front porch. My dad started making many derogatory comments about me ,How I had put on weight and a few other things. It was like I was an entertainer and he was heckling me.

I took it for a few minutes then I gently told m wife to take the kids in the house... the kids had no idea what was going on

I basically told my dad that no one will do that to me let alone undermine me like that in front of my kids. He played it off like a big joke until I told him to leave and not come back until he apologized to me and my family....

it took him almost a whole month to do that, but he did eventually and everything is pretty much OK now

every now and again he'll start to go down that path and I stop him before he does

This does work in some cases

He's afraid.....

Afraid he did a crap job as a father....

Afraid you'll end up being full of regret like him.....

Since he doesn't know what it takes to be someone different than he is, he turns his feelings of ignorance into criticism. And the more he hurts you, the worse he feels, and round and round. He is probably so miserable that he believes he doesn't deserve to be happy, so each day he sets out to prove how unworthy he is by putting down anything and anyone he loves.

Yep, my guess is that he feels rotten most of the time.... My advice is to tell him how you feel. Don't threaten, just tell him the truth; that all you ever wanted was for him to be proud of you, that you are doing the best that you can, and that his constant criticising is hurting you and you need him to stop.

Then, if he gives you his approval that would be wonderful, but if he doesn't, then you need to start living your life in a way that makes YOU proud of you. Also, don't be afraid to consider that what is really going on, is that you are the one who is not proud of yourself, and it has nothing to do with him at all....

You know, the older I get and the more satisfied I become with my success, the more self-esteem I have. As my self-esteem has grown, the need for my own father's approval has diminished....

Keep asking, and searching, and peeling back the layers. The underlying truth is waiting there for you to find...:yup:

I got a text message from him the next morning (at 4am ... when he gets up for work) .. saying 'Sorry, Love Dad'. I've not heard from him since.

Text him back and say something like, "Apology accepted. Treat me like that ever again and you can bloody well bugger off, old man. Love, Chique."

I'm kidding, but wouldn't it be nice to just cut to the chase?

Darling Chique, you are an AMAZING woman....you deserve all the best that life has to offer. More Hugs! :hug: :hug: :hug:

... He couldn't tell you if his Mother is dead or not (she probably is) because he stopped contact with her about 20 years ago. Same applies to his half brother and sister and he found out his Father died 6 months after the event. He probably couldn't care less if he never seen me again either but I don't feel the same.

Back to the 'deep' issue of my childhood .... I was registered at birth under my Mums name because they weren't married and he couldn't be bothered to go to the Registry Office to register me :yup:

okm, so are you ready to accept that he's not going to change and this is who he is? That he doesn't keep track of family or build warm bonds. And that you too are family?

My father, as I alluded, does not want me to get close to him and when I tried, he pushed me away, sometimes really obnoxiously. When I don't try, everything is great.

SS

Hey Chique, you know, as Dr. Phil would say, "Sometimes you have to give yourself what you wish you could get from others". Maybe one day your dad will give you his approval, maybe he won't, but you know what? You are a big girl now, his lack of approval won't kill you. In fact, his putting you down might kill you, spiritually speaking.

As children, we depend on the grown ups in our lives to fill our voids, as adults, we have the choice and resources to figure out other ways to do it.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

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...bump

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Good for you Chique! It sounds like you're making great progress!! :thumb:

Thanks for the terrific update!:wave: