I have a friend who I love dearly but she has made some choices in her life over the years which has been bad for her and her life. Lately this has increased so much that she is actually broke and cannot pay her rent.

I dont know what to do. I can sit and watch her life falling to pieces. And now she has started to treat me bad as well. Im sad, frustrated and angry at the same time. Keep telling myself that I cannot make choices for her life, its her life. But it gets hard when you can see what her decisions lead to and she is not doing anything about it.

I know this is a loooong post but I would be very gratefull if you care to read it and all and comment on it.


Here is some background story:

The first choice she made which was against everything I believe in was many years ago. I told her then how I felt. But she simply closed her eyes to what she was actually doing.
We have both been throught similar things in our childhood(abuse) and we have delt with in very different ways. We both have one child. She has a daughter who is 20 yrs old and I have a son who is 17. When her daughter was 10 yrs old, she actually sad down and told her daughter what happened to her when she was a child. So her daughter had to deal with her mothers issues when she was 10. I thought this goes against everything I believe in and it was actually mentally and emotionally abuse. A 10 year old cannot deal with things like that emotionally and should not in any way have to deal with her parents issues.

Later when the daughter was 16 yrs old, she let her have a boyfriend move in. The 3 of them lived in the apartment together. (to me this was wrong, her daughter should focus on her education, not her lovelife).

They havent had any contact with the biological father but she married when her daughter was young, and this man really cares for the daughter. They are not married anymore but he sees her a lot and still cares for her.
The daughter did not do well in school and my friend never took much interest before it was too late. Later the daughter moved out to live with some friends and had some underpaid work. That didnt work out and then she moved in with stepfather. For reasons I dont know. The daughter tried to take highschool degrees but didnt finish. Now the daughter is seeing a psychologist and feeling depressed.

My friend has always complemented how I took care of my son and how well he is doing. But that didnt come easy. I took a huge interest in his school from when he was 5 and I have always tried to motivate him, help him etc. He get great grades in school, have had several sports and art interests over the years which I have attended to, today he is in highschool doing great, is a member of the school board and represent the school in public, he has a job and good friends. I have never told him about me being abused. I think I can tell him when he is big enought to actually cope with a situation like that. I think he should grow, learn and have fun with his friends and NOT worry about his mothers issues. Lately I have seen that my friend is actually jealous of how well my son is doing.

Over the years I have tried to motivate and coach my friend. She is an artist and a couple of years ago, she decided to work fulltime and have her own firm. I have coached her about how to speak, what to focus on, how to intrepret communications in sales situations. She has a hard time with that and many times she have had great oppurtunities but missed them due to her not understanding/seeing/reading a situation proper. One time I actually stood right next to her when she was speaking with one of our greatest artist in Denmark and she failed miserably communicating with him. It was strange to watch.

The last couple of months she has hired me as her coach. And we have had some great sessions, and some stuff actually got throught to her. I got more and more involved with business.

Then she met a man. A man who also has his own business but is very bad at dealing with finances. I have met him a couple of times. He seems nice.

Lately things has increased in my friend behaving strange and I dont know what to do. Here is what she has done:

First she went to New York with her boyfriend. She had contacted an art gallery and got some answers that the gallery had to be paid a lot of money to have her painting. She went there anyway. And when they were there they walked around visiting galleries. The trip cost a lot of money and she had done next to nothing work before hand. Of course this didnt work out at all.
Her and her boyfriend went to visit a museum in another part of the country. A place which is very remote and in the country side. Its like 6 hours from Copenhagen (with car and ferry). She came back telling me that the people running the place asked if she and her boyfriend wanted to take over and run the place. And that they were going to live there for a month to check things out. (I asked myself, what on earth does this have to do with your life in Copenhagen and all the work you have done the last couple of years).
When she was there, she wrote me emails saying that her daughter is having a hard time.

They come back and have a party with friends with lots of food etc. I attended.

Then she has her paintings on an art exhibitions and asked me to work for her. I agree and we agree on how much I should get paid, which day to work etc. Two days before the exhibitions she mentions in a phone call, that she will leave early when Im working for her, as she has a party to go to. I was amased. To be on the exhibition cost her lots and lots of money and she leaves to go to a party, just leaving me there.(??). Anyway I came to the exhibition and the first thing she said was that she did not have money to pay me and that she was totally broke, she wasnt sure she could pay her phone/internet bill. I was shocked and surprised, tried to ask questions but she got all defensive and didnt want to talk about it. Only said that she had noticed her sabotasing sales etc. I told her that I knew of things like that and had some people who could advice on stuff like that (meaning you guys here). I know today, that I could have chosen to leave the very minute she said she couldnt pay me but would pay me later. But I didnt. She was stressed out and me leaving would only bring more stress to her life. So I stayed. I made one sale that day. She didnt make any. She didnt sell anything the whole weekend. When I was there, she had a meeting with some guy and I had to attend the exhibition alone (something which she didnt tell before hand). Anyway she left early and I had to do it myself the last couple of hours.

I havent seen her since then. I have got 2 emails. Saying that because of my sale on the exhibition, she could afford to get all her paintings back home.(what would have happened if I didnt make any sale???). That if she didnt make any sales the next two weeks she didnt know when she could pay me. That she could not pay her rent for her flat + for her art studio. And that she in spite of all this, still wanted to go to this museum with her boyfriend. And oh by the way, my daughter is moving in the flat when she is going to the museum. (I wondered if she moved in, so she could pay her rent??). She mentioned that she didnt call me cause she had been so stressed out. (I think she has been avoiding me).

Now what do I do?? I can see that she had made so many choices over the years which has been bad. Business wise and family wise.
I ask myself questions like:
What is the purpose to live so far away from Copenhagen, when all her contacts(business/social) are here in Copenhagen?
Why does she not take care of her daughter? Her daughter needs her big time, even though she is 20 yrs old??
Why have a big party when she must have know about her finanscial situation? Why have this art exhibition when it was so expensive? How will she cope the next couple of months??

Her business is going down big time. At one point she actually did make huge sales but spend the money straight away. I dont think she has a business plan or anything like that.
Her daughters life has been bad for years but she doesnt really take any charge or responsibility. Leaves that up to her ex and now the daughter will live in her appartment with nothing to do and depressed. All while she has run away with her boyfriend. Run away from her business problems and her daughters problems.
And me, I dont know when or if I ever shall get paid for all them hours I worked at the art exhibition.

This has been on my mind all weekend and its making me frustrated and sad. I know I cannot run her life but its SO hard to just sit here and watch it all fall apart.
Its like her life has become worse since she met this new boyfriend. She has been avoiding facing things and are now hiding. She is leaving for the museum in the beginning of march.

I feel that I somehow have to let go. Let go of trying to guide her in a better direction, let go of hoping and worrying but I find that very very hard as I care for her very much. Somehow it feels like its me who has a problem. She "just" has to live with the consequences of her choices and there is nothing I can do about it. Why should I worry, she is an adult and should take care of her own life. I ask myself these questions over and over again.

For those of you who have come this far in this long story, I would be must grateful for any help, suggestions and support. To have written all this down has actually made me feel better, to get it off my chest.

Flower

have you ever heard of the psychiatrist who healed all his patients by recognising what it was in him that needed changing. we cant change others. we can only change ourselves. this psychiatrist cured all his mentally ill patients by going through their case notes and changing parts of himself which he recognised could be manifesting in these people around him. the law of attraction suggests that we ourselves are the 'centre of the world' and we attract those that are similar to us and how we think - thats why she attracted a boyfriend who was also bad with money.
is there anything in yourself that you recognise in your friend also?
even if you dont believe what i just said, i do think you should leave her to her ways because thats her journey.
good luck. :)

Hi Avani
Thanks for posting!

I have been thinking something in the lines of what you say. I have had thought that because Im moving away from certain behaviours then I can see them so clearly in my friend. I have made poor choices in my life but Im getting better and better over the years. One thing I have never done though and never will, is to abuse and fail my own flesh and blood like she is doing hers. I truely feel for her daughter.

I shall try and use this experience as a time to look deeply in myself and heal whatever needs healing.

Right now I can think of me learning to set better boundaries, also for dear friends. And I need to learn to let go and accept that she is control of her own life and even though I have tried to explained things to her, help her, then she can still choose to decide against what I think is so obvious. I need to accept this!

I hope Im not looking as if I want to come across as better than anyone else. Im trying to figure out this and what is happening, why it bothers me so much etc etc.

I dunno what the outcome of all this will be. If I will stay close to my friend etc. Right now it feels like things have been happening inside the both of us which has caused us to go in different directions. The new boyfriend in her life has only made this clearer. I believe it may very well have been on its way for some time in our unconscious or whatever word you might use.

Its just painfull when my life seems to be working fine and Im getting better and better at several things and she is heading straight to a break down of some sort.

Flower

I hope Im not looking as if I want to come across as better than anyone else.

Flower

You definitely do not appear as if you come accross better than anyone.

For starters, not to be mean, but your friend doesn't seem very smart. She's made bad choices from day one beginning with telling her 10 yo daughter about her abuse.

There is really nothing you can do Flower as sad as that seems. Maybe you can be a sounding board for her but thats it. You have your own life and a dear son that you love more than anything. You've done wonderfully in your life maybe someday she will see that and try to change hers but only she can do that.

Yeah, i actually think this is an amazing opportunity for you to heal yourself. wow! this is actually very inspirational for me. thanks for posting. :)

I can't tell you what to do, Flower, any more than you can tell your friend what to do. But I can tell you what I would do in your situation. Just as you can tell your friend what you would do in her situation. And that can be better than direct instructions.

What I would do in your situation is - let your friend know that all the problems she is facing are the result of her own choices. Let her know you cannot tell her how to run her life - but you can tell her what you would do in her situation, if she asks.

Clearly there are some things happening in her life that are creating a rift between you both. You don't like it but do not believe you are the cause. Offer to help her in any way you can, but she must take the lead in determining what that help may be. She must ask. She must explain.

She wil decide her own actions. You will decide your own actions. And both of you will make your own choices. If that causes you to drift apart, then that's what will happen. Friendship is a two-way street. It takes two to tango!

Perhaps if your conversations were to be as much about you seeking her guidance for your life as her seeking your guidance for her life, you might get her to think better.

Otherwise, be prepared for losing a friend. Most friendships don't last forever.

you are Flower.

How are you teaching your friend to treat you? If she has a friend that will do the work for her (unpaid) while she travels with her boyfriend, what reason would she have to change this situation?

Does your friend want to be "coached"? To be coached, you must be coachable...you must have an open mind and be willing to look at and do things differently. Is she willing? Does she really want a coach, or does she really want someone to do her work for her?

If the similarity you are seeing in her is the childhood abuse, what are the differences? Some use abuse as a reason to move forward, to not let this affect their life or the life of their child...as I feel you have done. You wanted to overcome this and not let this tear you down, and you have succeeded. Some use abuse as an excuse to not do anything to make their life better. They are a victim, and they play that role very well to get others to do things for them. You have learned that life is a series of choices. And the choices that you make, good or bad, have consequences. And you must take responsibility for those choices because you made them, nobody else. Is that another difference between the two of you? With so many differences and only one thing in common, she isn't in the same place as you. And she won't be anytime soon...unless she has to. Sometimes people have to fall flat on their faces, with nobody there to pick them up, before they will see that only they can pick themselves up and make their own lives better.

Like Spider says, you cannot make her do anything. You can tell her what you would do in her situation, then you have to back off and allow her to make her choices. And then you have to let her deal with her own consequences. You have to take your own life back. You have to take care of you. As much as we would like to save the world, we can't save them all. And how can we help anyone when we aren't taking care of ourselves first?

You know that staying in this situation as it is isn't right or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. I know that you love your friend dearly, but how is doing for her what she doesn't want to do going to get her to where you are now? Did anyone do all the work for you? If they have, do you think you would be where you are now?

I wish you the best.

kwilusenxamamo

I agree with everything that kwilsunxamamo wrote to you Flower. And NO, you do not come off as being "better" than anyone else. So don't worry about that.

The "shift" in your friendship that you are feeling right now, is because YOU are growing as a person, and she is spiralling down even further. Not because you are mad at each other or anything like that.

I have seen this countless times before. When people like us, grow and strive for more...others will try to suck us back into their dynamics... they want us to remain the same. But true growth means change. Sometimes it means reducing contact with, or completely ending friendships - that no longer serve a useful purpose and drag you down.

When the majority of your peers are growth oriented like you, it is challenging, dynamic, understanding. When the majority of your peers are still stuck in the same old politics or dynamics, or are a huge time suck or drain in your life - you have to let them go.

Don't get me wrong, I still have friends in real life (dozens) of them who after 20 years I am still in constant contact with. Are all of them into self improvement? No. But they keep moving forward at least. The friends I drop are the Drama Kings and Queens, who prove to be a major time and energy drain. Including some family members too. I still have contact with them from time to time, but no where near like I once did. Do I still care about them? Of course.. I just don't let them into my inner circle as much, nor do I go out of my way to keep "helping" them when it all falls on deaf ears anyways. Sometimes, it is about acceptance, letting them just be and learning things in their own way and in their own time.....

It isn't about rejecting anyone, but putting some boundaries into place.... I worked for one boss / friend that treated me like crap. I didn't hear from her for 5 months after she told me she couldn't afford to pay me anymore. Suddenly, 5 months later she shows up at my house asking if she can live in my basement. I said no. She was drinking, having an affair on her husband, etc... So I thought, "After how she has treated me -do I really need this drama being brought into my house and into my life?" The answer was NO. So I told I cared about her, but no she could not live with me. I didn't hear from her for another 6 months. Suddenly on New Years Eve when she had been drinking, I get a voice mail message from her - saying she wanted me to work for her again. I didn't bother returning her call. Sometimes, you just have to "release them with love" and let them learn to fly on their own....

Thank you SO much everybody for your posts!

Im so gratefull for all your responds. Today I have been thinking about letting her go and get back to focus on my own life. And that has been a good feeling. I have many good things going for me in my life and many things to be grateful for.

The strange thing about my friendship is that for many years I have felt that she was moving forward and I was standing still. But as pointed out, I can see that she has been getting other people to do her work for her, especially her ex has done so much for her daughter when she failed.
I think what actually happened when I felt I was standing still, was me dealing emotionally with my issues and still taking care of my son. To me she has been focusing on herself workwise and not done much self improving let alone read any books etc. and left the upbringing of her daughter in the hands of her ex. She seems surpriced when she gets to know just how much knowledge and understanding I have of different issues/psychology and its like she cannot understand fully how my son has turned out so great as he has. (Im so proud of him and do tell him that). Its like she doesnt think much of my abilities cause she has seen me go through hard times when I delt with a lot of old stuff. But that has only made me stronger to face the old trauma and given me a lot of wisdom about life and myself.

I dont want to judge her for her choices, I think she has done what she can with the knowledge she has. I just dont understand why she makes choices like she does and why she hasnt seeked more information etc etc. And then again, this is not entirely true. I do understand or should I say, I see more clearly what is actually happening here. She has continues some of the neclect and abuse she went throught as a child onto her own daughter. Its actually a classic to do that. Cause if you REALLY want to change, you need to go back and face your trauma and then release the pain, then you can make a choice of your own. Not before. I dont think this is clear to her and that she hasnt understood some of the things she has transferred from her own childhood unto her daughter. A blind spot you might call it. When my son was younger I have done several very caring things which really touched my heart as while doing them, I got intouch with me not having a parent doing that for me when I was growing up. But I kept on doing them as I could see how my son´s spirit grew from the love.

Im so glad that I made this thread and so glad for all your replies as this has shown new things in me and my life.

PS. By the way, the work I did at the art exhibition was the first and only time my friend did not pay me. More of the reason why I got shocked of her state of mind and how she treated me. So far she has not apologised to me for her behaviour and has not paid me for a whole days work.

Flower

Flower, you are SUCH a kind soul. She should be honored to call you a "friend". :thumb:

-CP

A little update!

I had a phone conversation with my friend tonight. I called her and left a message on her machine saying "I think we need to talk" and later she returned my call.

It was a very unpleasant conversation.
I told her how I felt about the whole art exhibition thing and how I felt that she has been treating me badly. She did not at one point say she was sorry or apologized for her actions. She said let me tell you how I see the situation and did say that she has forgotten to let me know a few things. :rolleyes:

When I said to her that I have been worrying about her life as she has never acted like this before, then she said that there was nothing going on in her life and that I should not worry. She was VERY defensive!
Later on in the conversation she said that yes she has some problems but she did not want to talk with me about them and that she had people around her who gave her what she needs. (her boyfriend and ex). She said that some people had actually complimented her own having her own business for 2 years and she did not want to share details about her finanses with anyone. So she wanted me to coach her and help her sell paintings but she doesnt want me to get the full picture of her business. That doesnt give me anything to work on really. She mentioned that she had talked with some people of how to pay me in the future if I still wanted to do sales work for her and that if I wanted to work for her with only getting 10% of each sale I made. I was stunned and said no straight away. That was almost an insult to actually ask this question. I told her that you only work with bonus only if you have a product you can sell very easily, not art! To sell art is a whole other business and takes something else than just selling easy stuff. She then said, she knew galleries took like 50 or 60% bonus for selling a painting but she could not afford that.

She was almost angry for me letting her know that I worry about her and I said I find that strange as she has been acting differently and friends worry about each other. She also said that she needed time for herself and she needed positive things, motivation, support etc and not focusing on the negative. She thinks I only want to focus on the negative, cause she never wanted to hear me out that I wanted her to learn from her mistakes, get the big picture of what is going on, and then make a plan for the future. But I got it, she doesnt want my help as I ask questions she doesnt want to hear.

How do I feel now? Well I left with a feeling that we didnt really talk about what was going on between us. And I found her very cold and defensive. I shall leave her alone, I know when Im not wanted.

She will pay me tomorrow and then she said we could email in the near future.

Flower

Hi Flower,

WOW! Something is definitely going on with her right now. The good news is, it is HER problem. She doesn't want to face what is going on right now in her life, that is quite obvious. She can't be much of a friend to you, if she treats you that way. You are doing the only thing you can do right now... Leave her alone to stew in her own juices. If she is that rude or ignorant to you, then she doesn't deserve your friendship right now.

Perhaps in the future, she will make ammends to you and say sorry for how she treated you. But until she does apologize, I wouldn't try to help her. She will just end up resenting you. One day, maybe she will learn she was wrong and apologize to you. But until then, she does not deserve your attention. You can always be ready to offer and extend your hand in friendship. But you have to have some boundaries with people so they don't treat you like a door mat, either. True long time friends don't treat one another with such dis-respect. It sounds to me like her definition of "friendship" means - what is in it for her? Not what she has to offer to others....

Release her with love. That's all you can do. Her hostility is really directed at herself, but she can't admit she made a mistake - so she is deflecting that onto those she views as "safe" to blast with her anger. But YOU do not deserve that, and it isn't about you, it is about HER. When she comes to give you your money tomorrow, say thank you in your head for the experience -and know that YOU have grown from this. Even if she hasn't.

Hi Flower,

WOW! Something is definitely going on with her right now. The good news is, it is HER problem. She doesn't want to face what is going on right now in her life, that is quite obvious. She can't be much of a friend to you, if she treats you that way. You are doing the only thing you can do right now... Leave her alone to stew in her own juices. If she is that rude or ignorant to you, then she doesn't deserve your friendship right now.

Perhaps in the future, she will make ammends to you and say sorry for how she treated you. But until she does apologize, I wouldn't try to help her. She will just end up resenting you. One day, maybe she will learn she was wrong and apologize to you. But until then, she does not deserve your attention. You can always be ready to offer and extend your hand in friendship. But you have to have some boundaries with people so they don't treat you like a door mat, either. True long time friends don't treat one another with such dis-respect. It sounds to me like her definition of "friendship" means - what is in it for her? Not what she has to offer to others....

Release her with love. That's all you can do. Her hostility is really directed at herself, but she can't admit she made a mistake - so she is deflecting that onto those she views as "safe" to blast with her anger. But YOU do not deserve that, and it isn't about you, it is about HER. When she comes to give you your money tomorrow, say thank you in your head for the experience -and know that YOU have grown from this. Even if she hasn't.

Thanks, Catlover!
I needed to hear this, that I havent done anything wrong here!

She will send the money to me via netbanking, so I wont see her face to face. Not tomorrow and not for a while as she is soon off to that museum.

Hugs
Flower

Thanks, Catlover!
I needed to hear this, that I havent done anything wrong here!

She will send the money to me via netbanking, so I wont see her face to face. Not tomorrow and not for a while as she is soon off to that museum.

Hugs
Flower

Hmmm, she doesn't even have the guts to meet you face to face right now. Interesting. Even my boss who treated me bad, had the guts to come pay me in person. Your friend is doing the big avoid for some reason. I am willing to bet, she is jealous of you on some level Flower. My boss thought she was better than everyone else... so for her coming to pay me in person, was her way of trying to manipulate me. She apologized but was defensive and cocky about it. She had me dealing with all her clients, who loved me. They loved dealing with me because I am cooperative. My boss was argumentative. She "let me go" because she wanted to open a store. So the piddly pay she was paying me could go towards opening her store. She fell on her face and the store never got off the ground. Why? Because she liked booze more than honor, friends, business or integrity or her marriage or kids. She is still caught in the muck and expecting others to bail her out. She doesn't see she has to take responsibility. Your friend sounds the same way....

I totally agree CL..sounds like this woman is displacing her guilt and jealousy into you Flower.....and like others have said before this is HER problem....NOT YOURS!!!

Release her negativity from you..hang onto the lessons you have no doubt learnt from her..and we all learn lessons from most people whom we have contact with..... but remember to just take on board the lesson and ditch the emotional baggage that often comes with the lesson...of course that is usually the hardest thing to do....as we are mostly emotive creatures by nature......but you have to do what is right for you firstly...and yes for your friend secondly....she needs to see that you aren't going to dwell on her problems anymore...of course show concern..but at the end of the day....you can't fix them...nobody can..except for her...and only then can she fix them if she chooses to do so......

As the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.......but take heart that you have done your best for her and you know in yourself...in your inner core that you can do no more for her...but you need to let her go......Flower......sometimes the cruelest thing is the right thing.....or what appears to be the cruelest thing.....you need to step back and by doing so...she will hopefully enable herself to be the person she should be!!!

You are a true friend in every sense of the word and you should be so proud of what you have done for yourself and your friend!!!!

*****HUGS***** Flower

kemexx

Thanks you ladies!

Last night when I got to bed, I got in touch with my anger! And I also realized that she all of a sudden shows me so much mis-trust. I came to think of what I have done lately for her, without getting paid. I have helped her move all her paintings to a new studio. and its not the first time. In November I helped her get a job teaching a lesson at my son´s highschool and she earned some money. I told her about Cafepress so she could get an art calender out this year without spending a lot of money and only last monday I sent her some plastic covers for her smaller painting. All done for free to help her out making money. And besides that I have been her friend. And now she treats me like this??? :mad:

Like you say, I know in my heart that I have done lots of things for her and been there for her. I dont deserve this! Im so angry!

Flower

... I know in my heart that I have done lots of things for her and been there for her. I dont deserve this! Im so angry!Why be angry? You have done things for another human being - that's good, and it's something to be happy about.

So, they didn't appreciate it? Did you do these things in order to get appreciation? I doubt it. So, there's no cause to be angry, is there.

Did you do those things for her in order to win her affection? I doubt it, so there's no need to feel angry when she didn't show you affection.

Then, why did you do those things, Flower? Didn't you really do those things for you? Because you are a good person and that's what good people do?

How your friend acts is up to her and has no meaning in relation to the things you did for her. You did those things. You are a good person. Mission accomplished!

You should feel happy about that, not angry.

Relax, Breath deeply. Love.

I felt the pain in your posting and I know that your heart is in the right place. It's hard...I'm on your side of the coin with a friend of mine, and the opposite side of the coin with my sister...

...I had a conversation with my sister earlier this week wherein she played the character of Flower and I played the character of the ne'er do well friend/sister.

Turns out that my sister long ago constructed a tidy little box for me that she expected me to crawl into, and the rules of the box were written by her. We've been butting heads for 20 years because I refuse to comply to her model of the world. My life is completely different than her life, thank God. She is extremely structured in her life; I fly by the seat of my pants. She is in a nice neat nuclear family; y'all all know about my Motley Crew. She is a housewife with two boys; I am a single mother of a teenage daughter. So many things in our lives are polar opposite, and I happily admit that I am impulsive and spontaneous, which completely tears her out of the frame.

We were getting along pretty well until last week when I called to tell her about my plans for the house. Then, through that phone call and a series of emails, she unleashed her anger on me and said some things that would curl your hair. REALLY judgmental, hateful things. But I didn't take it personally because I knew full well that these things are her things, not my things. The worst part is that she has implied for some time now that my parenting skills are not up to par. I think she's a great mom, but I am a great mom too. We just have different styles of parenting. Last time I checked, I was a damn good parent.

It all boils down to this: Everyone walks his or her own path, the path he or she is meant to walk. My path is MY path. No one else can walk it for me, nor would I want them to. I am having a FABULOUS walk on my path. I've tripped over tree roots, fallen into mudpits, and had to find my way out of a dark, bug-infested forest. But it's MY experience. No one else's. NO ONE else's.

Have I made some bonehead moves in the past? Absolutely. The biggest one was getting married to my daughter's dad. Stupidest thing EVER. But if I didn't do that, I wouldn't have my beautiful Irish lassie. Have I made some stupid financial and career decisions? Hell-O!! But I've been continuously employed since June 1981, the summer after 10th grade. I'm caring for my elderly father and my teenage daughter, and I've got the love and respect of many people who accept me for who I am, warts and all. I won the game of life because I'm here, despite not being a planned or wanted child. I told my mama once, "Well mama, I reckon God wanted me here more than you did, 'cause I'm sure enough here!" (Yes, I actually do talk like that from time to time, embarassingly enough.)

Two hours ago, my sister called me and humbled herself to ask for forgiveness. She said, "You do things in a way that is different than the way I would do them, but none of that matters. I love you and I can't bear to lose you." She said, "You have given me nothing but unconditional love and acceptance, and I gave you judgement in return."

Flower, you're a good friend. Send unconditional love to your friend and you will benefit from that as well. :hug:

The last couple of days I have been thinking that I need to change this situation so I dont feel like a victim.

I have been thinking about it a lot today.
I feel hurt that a close friend does not care that she has hurt me and used me as a doormat. I got angry about the doormat thing as I feel I deserve better.

Sitting here I found the way to turn this around! :yippee:

I need to ask other questions!
I believe she is in a bad place right now and problably she thinks I have done something which she feels upset by. I also reckons that she has agreed to pay me a certain amount of money for the art exhibition but didnt really want to but went ahead anyway and now she is upset cause I didnt sell what ever she hoped for. The list can actually go on and on as I dont really know what is troubling her, Im only guessing.

So I need to ask myself:
Do I want to continue this relationship when she is not straight with me? When she does not feel bad when she has hurt me? When she talks to me with no respect at all? When she tells me that she will pay me, but havent yet?

When I ask these questions I get back into my personal power!

Like I have mentioned before, I know what I have done and I stick by that. And if there is something I have done which in any way has upset her, then its her respondsibility to contact me. Just like I did her.

Im SO glad to be back in me and have regain my personal power, instead of just feeling upset of her treating me so badly.

Flower

Flower:

I read a lot of this, but also skipped a lot. I feel for you, really. I had several good friends in my 20s who helped me a lot and who I helped and I wanted to keep as my friends, but it didn’t work out. There are people who dumped me for whatever reason and people who I dumped because they drank too much. What’s worst are the friends who wanted to stay friends, but moved away. I believe that cutting off ties with a good friend is one of the hardest lose-lose type choices to make. I am really unhappy that I don’t have the friends to do things with. I feel like I have this time, but all the people who value my friendship and send me emails are off in Hawaii or all over the US. Right now I get emails from a friend I used to work with who lives in China about once a week, do you think friends who live locally do that? No, you are experiencing a loss and it’s perfectly natural to grieve that loss and anyone who says you shouldn’t isn’t thinking everything through.

But gosh darn it, you’re friend really screwed up, didn’t she? I think one thing that I didn’t see written is that your friend may very well be confused and think that you’re on-board with her and you’re sort of a team, so that when she didn’t sell anything, you should have accepted that you wouldn’t get paid. That is incorrect thinking. I’ve not only been there, been asked by friends to do more than my share, been asked by family to do way more than my share and to support them “unconditionally” (I don’t think I love ANYONE unconditionally, if my wife killed someone, we’d have to talk). Not only did I deal with that, I made my parents go through that too. I demanded too much of them as an adult for a few years and I did the same to other friends too. Now I TRY to give back more than I get.

I think you have every right to be angry when you go out of your way to do your friend a favor and you end up getting hurt. Despite the IDEA that one helps others to do something nice and help them, nothing stings quite like doing someone a favor and then having them be angry with you. Had you not helped you might have a better relationship with them! That's reality, that building successful friendships is important to us, that we don't live inside our own minds, and that we want to help others to increase our positivity, not to be asked to deal with someone else's problem and have to go through the "this is their problem, not mine, I'm going to move on."

I remember one friend who was off on her own problems and canceled plans we had. No matter how much I refused to take responsibility for her issues, she owed me a dinner, we planned to do somethings, and my wife had already made other plans. So there I was, at some museum, alone, couldn't share that with anyone, couldn't discuss it with anyone, had a pretty mediocre time EVEN AS I didn't take personal responsibility for her happiness. that is one thing that this doesn't solve- going places alone.

I think you’ve got a good attitude now, that’s important, because you have to live with yourself. But I don’t envy the road you had to travel to get there.

...I'm caring for my elderly father and my teenage daughter, and I've got the love and respect of many people who accept me for who I am, warts and all....

You have warts?!!

You should do something about that!!!!!

My friend finally paid me! :yippee:

My friend finally paid me! :yippee:



Now there is some good news! :thumb:

That is a wonderful outcome Flower!!!:)