A business associate in another agency has confided to me about the sorry state of affairs in her current relationship. As far as I can gather, he is abusing alcohol to the point where the police have been called more than once to her home. A sad aside to this is that her young daughter is experiencing a great deal of anxiety, no doubt due in some part to the battles she has witnessed.

No relationship is perfect, and like any married couple, my wife and I lock horns now and again, but much of what I hear from friends and colleagues makes me wonder if our relatively tranquil life and marriage is the exception rather than the rule.

My belief is this. I chose to pursue this woman when I was young and made her my wife, so its only fitting that I make her and my children the centerpiece of my existence, and do all thats within my power to ensure they experience the utmost quality of life. By doing so, I also by extension will experience fulfillment and joy.

So what the hell is everybody elses problem?

And why do so many accept less than what they should?

So what the hell is everybody elses problem?Themselves

And why do so many accept less than what they should?Because THEY do not yet know that it is THEIR responsibility to raise THEIR standards and live THIER lives being grateful for what THEY have.

Look, I agree with you 1000%.

After a bad, mutually-negative relationship when I was 18, I became overly choosy about who I wanted to go out with. NOT who was "hot" but who wouldn't drive me crazy. At age 20 that wasn't easy, because everyone drove me crazy. I literally spent 2 years celibate in college. I voluntarily decided to ask this woman out. I voluntarily decided to ask her out again. I voluntarily decided to buy her jewelry and to cement our relationship as exclusive. I voluntarily decided to ask her to move in with me. I voluntarily decided to buy her an engagement ring. I voluntarily decided to buy a house together and get married. I voluntarily decided to have two kids with her.

At each step of the way I thought about what I was doing. I took responsibility for my choices and made them while looking for positive outcomes. I'm far from perfect, but I did all that.

What kind of a Jackass would I be if after all those decisions I started picking fights with her or doing negative things that hurt her? If I'm unhappy I have 4 choices: 1. talk to her about it, 2. talk to a counselor about it or post a message here, 3. get her to come to a counselor with me, 4. Get divorce. All those are real options. All those are, for the most part, positive steps.

My father was an alcoholic and throughout my 20s I was concerned that I could be an alcoholic too and was careful what I drank. then I turned 30 and decided, I'm sick of the wondering, if I stop drinking, I can never be an alcoholic. So I did. And you know, I sure miss it when I'm having pizza or enchiladas, but on the other hand, I've got two kids and 100% of the time I'm safe to drive. I see no benefit to drinking to excess. I don't get it. I LOVED to get drunk, but giving it up just meant not buying it and then never buying it no matter how much I wanted to. Just not doing it.

Life isn't perfect. My older son tries to challenge his boundaries and often acts out to assert control and I spent at least half the time yesterday just talking to him about cleaning up and not sassing back and eating healthy. It was not fun and got really boring and I felt like a nooge, constantly telling him to rephrase his questions in a positive way, etc. Is this what I expected? Heck no, I expected I was going to solve all the problems my parents failed at, but what it WAS... was life.

and I'm going to win at life

SS

I am often reminded of something my coworkers did. They grew these ridiculous mustaches over Christmas break, like 4 of them did. I asked them what the hell was going on and they said they had to explain it after work. We go to a bar and they tell me this story:

They grew these terrible mustaches in order to piss off their wives on purpose and then for Valentine’s Day they would shave them off as “gifts” to their wives and that way they wouldn’t have to buy them more than flowers and a card for V-Day.

I just left the bar in a daze- how could anyone be so manipulative for no reason? Talk about risking your relationship for 6 weeks just so you could save $100-$200 in gifts? $100? I mean, I could raise $100 on ebay in 3 weeks. And I mean, I told my wife about the plot and THEN we get invited to a superbowl party at one of their houses! So she had to promise not to divulge anything while the other women were cursing and complaining about the mustaches. I know this sounds funny right, like a joke, but I promise you this story is 100% true. I just said, if it EVER comes to that for me in any relationship, I’d rather move out.

I am often reminded of something my coworkers did. They grew these ridiculous mustaches over Christmas break, like 4 of them did. I asked them what the hell was going on and they said they had to explain it after work. We go to a bar and they tell me this story:

They grew these terrible mustaches in order to piss off their wives on purpose and then for Valentine’s Day they would shave them off as “gifts” to their wives and that way they wouldn’t have to buy them more than flowers and a card for V-Day.

I just left the bar in a daze- how could anyone be so manipulative for no reason? Talk about risking your relationship for 6 weeks just so you could save $100-$200 in gifts? $100? I mean, I could raise $100 on ebay in 3 weeks. And I mean, I told my wife about the plot and THEN we get invited to a superbowl party at one of their houses! So she had to promise not to divulge anything while the other women were cursing and complaining about the mustaches. I know this sounds funny right, like a joke, but I promise you this story is 100% true. I just said, if it EVER comes to that for me in any relationship, I’d rather move out.

And these guys are what, 12 years old?

Well, as you know, it's all "relative". (especially in the south)

What is "normal" will depend on where you're drawing your sample from... I would say that members of a success forum are not going to be representative of what the "average" relationship is like. Nor would people in a torn up trailer park.

Look at it this way... there are a lot of bad relationships out there. There are also bad people out there. But there is also a lot of good. Why bother caring about what's normal? Just make your choice as to what reference group gets input.

You could sit around with bums and talk about your business. Or you can talk about it with other business owners who are successful. Who gives a crap what's normal for your business? Just decide which advisors get input.

-CP

Well, as you know, it's all "relative". (especially in the south)

What is "normal" will depend on where you're drawing your sample from... I would say that members of a success forum are not going to be representative of what the "average" relationship is like. Nor would people in a torn up trailer park.

Look at it this way... there are a lot of bad relationships out there. There are also bad people out there. But there is also a lot of good. Why bother caring about what's normal? Just make your choice as to what reference group gets input.

You could sit around with bums and talk about your business. Or you can talk about it with other business owners who are successful. Who gives a crap what's normal for your business? Just decide which advisors get input.

-CP

In my case, my question goes more to my fascination with human behavior. Im not really comparing my situation to others, although I can see why it might sound that way.

Im generally interested in the "whys" of this world as much as the "whats"

Quick answer.... the rule.


Better answer- what CP said.



Scott, we just happan to be in similar life arcs- and yeah, I see friends getting divorced, re-living the 20's again, and doing poor things. We know them because they have a certain amount of financial success (Stay at home moms need someone to talk with, too), and not because we have the same hobbies and interests. I would guess you have the same thing going on; kids bring a lot of friends together. So when they say 50% of all marriages end in divorce- that is what you get to see. But if you can find a crowd of married folks who like to be married; who have the same values as you; what are the odds that they are in the same situation (kids, finances, etc.?)

Just accept that you are not currently surrounded by people like you. That group will probably change as you get older- kids will have fights, high School has squabbles, and new people come in and out of your life. Now, when you find a friend with similar values- keep in touch with them

Quick answer.... the rule.


Better answer- what CP said.



Scott, we just happan to be in similar life arcs- and yeah, I see friends getting divorced, re-living the 20's again, and doing poor things. We know them because they have a certain amount of financial success (Stay at home moms need someone to talk with, too), and not because we have the same hobbies and interests. I would guess you have the same thing going on; kids bring a lot of friends together. So when they say 50% of all marriages end in divorce- that is what you get to see. But if you can find a crowd of married folks who like to be married; who have the same values as you; what are the odds that they are in the same situation (kids, finances, etc.?)

Just accept that you are not currently surrounded by people like you. That group will probably change as you get older- kids will have fights, high School has squabbles, and new people come in and out of your life. Now, when you find a friend with similar values- keep in touch with them

Im happy to point out that within the relatively small group we "run" with, the marriages are all in good shape and the participants seem generally appreciative of one another. We've taken great care to surround ourselves with people like us, and have quickly distanced ourselves from any drama such as a gossipy school Moms or cavemanish sh**kicking husbands.

What I witness is much more arms length...things I hear from my clients, friends of my employees, friends of friends, etc.......

So what the hell is everybody elses problem?

And why do so many accept less than what they should?I think Jim Rohn would say "Of COURSE they're contentious and dysfunctional, they're the contentious and dysfunctional. And I leave it at that."

That said, I don't think there is a "should" to it. Your "should" isn't universal.

But I guess that doesn't answer your question. My answer- I dunno. Maybe most people don't reason very well.

1) So what the hell is everybody elses problem?

2) And why do so many accept less than what they should?

1) Its all about "them" - most married people make themselves more important then their marriage... Me n' Batgirl have a motto "I'll watch your back, you watch mine" it works for us

2) Even though they make it about them, they don't love themselves enough to raise those standards like Sir John was talking about... ya ever heard that old saying "love others as you love yourself"? It starts with you! Them in this case...

Sounds paradoxical :crosseye: but it ain't

Ok, you guys are having such a good man chat, I feel bad even posting. :D

I think they are about 50% the norm. The same approximate percentage of people that get divorced.

People don't perform the rituals of sex, marriage, procreation and courting because it's the right thing to do necessarily, just because society does these things and well, kids just happen. All too often.

Jennifer

My belief is this. I chose to pursue this woman when I was young and made her my wife, so its only fitting that I make her and my children the centerpiece of my existence, and do all thats within my power to ensure they experience the utmost quality of life. By doing so, I also by extension will experience fulfillment and joy.

POKR, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You are one righteously awesome dude. :afro:

POKR, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You are one righteously awesome dude. :afro:

Thx...and Im gonna give you some lawncare tips to get that lawn as lovely as your new house!!!!

Thx...and Im gonna give you some lawncare tips to get that lawn as lovely as your new house!!!!

Thanks POKR...that's an old shot. The front yard is sodded now. But summer's a comin' so I'll look forward to POKR's LawnCare Tips!!

yup Gr8, gotta keep the turf clean, that or trim it all the way down to nothing. :)

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: *High Five*:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

-CP

yup Gr8, gotta keep the turf clean, that or trim it all the way down to nothing. :)

Hey, there's an idea! I'll till up the grass and put down AstroTurf!!!

Seriously, vis a vis the topic of discussion, my intention is to participate in a highly functional relationship, with FUN being the key!!

(Makes note in Jukers' Jukariffic Calendar....June 1, 2007.....let the FUN begin!!!)

Forget the lawn, Julia - they are a lot of work and give you ..what? Just more suburban plainness!

How about growing stuff to encourage and feed birds, butterflies, natural flora and fauna.

Create a wildlife habitat.

You can turn your yard into a Certified Wildlife Habitat >>>

http://www.nwf.org/gardenforwildlife/


If you're interested, see what I did with my backyard >>>

http://www.bspage.com/the1960area/timbers/yard.html

yup Gr8, gotta keep the turf clean, that or trim it all the way down to nothing. :)

I actually "get" this little innuendo, but to admit that I "get" it would not be ladylike...oh well, there goes that!!!!

Me n' Batgirl have a motto "I'll watch your back, you watch mine" it works for us


I always liked BatGirls back.

Her Front's pretty nice too for that matter!

http://www.jungledrums.ca/Action/Batgirl.jpg

yup Gr8, gotta keep the turf clean, that or trim it all the way down to nothing. :)


:thumb: Chance the Gardener

In my case, my question goes more to my fascination with human behavior. Im not really comparing my situation to others, although I can see why it might sound that way.

Im generally interested in the "whys" of this world as much as the "whats"

I agree with that and despite what people say about surrounding oneself with "good" people I end up with coworkers, clients and others who I need to avoid because of stories like the above I mentioned. They fascinate me.

And the truth about one of those mustache guys? He was an Army Colonel in line to become a General before another guy got the slot and he retired. a Colonel.

SS

Forget the lawn, Julia - they are a lot of work and give you ..what? Just more suburban plainness!

How about growing stuff to encourage and feed birds, butterflies, natural flora and fauna.

Create a wildlife habitat.

You can turn your yard into a Certified Wildlife Habitat >>>

http://www.nwf.org/gardenforwildlife/


If you're interested, see what I did with my backyard >>>

http://www.bspage.com/the1960area/timbers/yard.html

That's not permitted in NC. Tidy, tidy, tidy! And no clotheslines. And be sure to check with seventeen committees before painting your house. Who told you that you could hoist an American flag up a pole? Is that a garden GNOME in your bushes??

Jennifer

That's not permitted in NC. Tidy, tidy, tidy! And no clotheslines. And be sure to check with seventeen committees before painting your house. Who told you that you could hoist an American flag up a pole? Is that a garden GNOME in your bushes??

Jennifer
Did you read the contracts when you moved in?

Hey CattButt! Is it true you cain't have a Gnome in your Bush?

That's not permitted in NC. Tidy, tidy, tidy! And no clotheslines. And be sure to check with seventeen committees before painting your house. Who told you that you could hoist an American flag up a pole? Is that a garden GNOME in your bushes?? I think you misunderstand, Jennifer.

Having a backyard wildlife habitat doesn't mean leaving the weeds to grow and creating a thicket of inpenetrable bramble and jungle undergrowth. It means selecting local NC plants - not exotics from some other part of the country or world, that are effectively sterile in NC; it means using local NC plants that attract indigenous NC butterlfies and NC birds, not plants that provide for birds that don't exist in NC.

It means using plantings that provide food and shelter for local NC birds, especially in winter and having a birdbath so they have access to water, especially in summer. It means having a rock wall in the landscaping to encourage insects for insect eating birds and lizards.

It means setting out birdfeeders to attract and nourish humming birds and warblers, etc.

It means creating an interesting, well-cared for and TIDY landscaping that is beneficial for the environment.

If you have to submit all landscaping projects and design for local Homeowner Association approval, what's the problem with that? You'd have to submit for approval for detrimental landscaping projects so you might as well offer beneficial landscaping.

No need to make it any more difficult than it is, eh?

Perhaps if you'd follow the link I provided, you will see that there are plenty of NC backyard wildlife habitats already in existence.

Hey CattButt! Is it true you cain't have a Gnome in your Bush?

Well, Junior, I ain't rightly sure about that. If'n I cain't have a Gnome in my Bush, I reckon I'll just hafta pick up 'n' move ta Kintucky.

:hijack:

Somehow my missive on relationships became HGTV....:hopeless:

:hijack:

Somehow my missive on relationships became HGTV....:hopeless:

Sorry POKR.....I was thinking a similar thought earlier as I posted yet another off-topic post. :whip2:

My honest opinion is that there are more dysfunctional, contentious relationships languishing behind closed doors than we would want to know about.

Sorry POKR. I was thinking that myself as I posted yet another off-topic post.

My honest opinion is that there are more dysfunctional, contentious relationships languishing behind closed doors than we would want to know about.


LOL...As my Jenners would say "fawk it", Im just going to blog and publish articles for now on.....:biglaugh:

LOL...As my Jenners would say "fawk it" Im just going to blog and publish articles for now on.....:hopeless:

Alrighty then!

:hijack:

Somehow my missive on relationships became HGTV....:hopeless:I'm sure you've never been involved in anything like a hyjack before. :biglaugh:

I'm sure you've never been involved in anything like a hyjack before. :biglaugh:

I will neither confirm nor deny such allegations......:nono:

LOL...As my Jenners would say "fawk it", Im just going to blog and publish articles for now on.....:biglaugh:

Baby face bratoid. :D

Jennifer

Back to the gnomes...

Jennifer

Back to the gnomes...

Jenniferin a bush

:hijack:
Somehow my missive on relationships became HGTV....:hopeless:I've gotten used to the procedure of ignoring the initial post and the next 2 or 3, because they generally have nothing to do with what the thread is really all about!!!

I've gotten used to This usual happens with age. But discovered recently by Dr. Phil to be his next show. procedureThis is what happens to a man after meeting Jennihul. ignoringThis is a matter selecting a radio button in the user control panel. But not recommended by Microsoft Vista. the initial post and the next 2 or 3,Here is where the rubber meets the road. The first 2 or 3 posts sets a standard. Anything beyond that is the silent patience of the original poster. because they generally have nothing to do with what the thread is really all about!!!What were we talking about?

Oh yeah! The fear of spiders.

I think that the world is going through changes. We are now at a time where people have discovered that they dont have to settle with the social life/family life/family rules they were born into.(dysfunctional in many ways; alcohol, sexual/emotional abuse, violent families etc). Over here we see many new topic in the debates and news which wouldnt have been just a few years ago. So its all about a new awareness in the public.

So you will see many people, like many of us here, seeking new ways, new outlook on life and what it can be. We are all changing for the better! :)

I think Flower is right. We are stuck in a generation between. Then, whenmarriage was about sanctity and committment (even if it sucked) and now where it's maybe a tad old-fashioned but still expected. People's opinions of THEMSELVES have evolved, mainly women. People's expectations about defining their success and their life expectations have evolved and if something in their lives isn't cutting it, out it goes. I don't see this as a bad thing.

I do see getting married haphazardly and with little foresight as a bad thing. But, when all is said and done, you still have a 50-50 chance of it being a success.

Jennifer