The Angel is back!

[angelbabee1971]

i feel like i am in mourning....

this is probably the biggest thing running around in my head right now. Some of you probably don't recognise my name on here, but i used to come around here a LOT a few years ago ... then i got really busy IRL (in real life) and just let myself get out of the habit of posting and keeping myself accountable for the stuff i wanted to do ... i have been contemplating for a few months now, coming back and getting back on track with reaching my goals ... and then today i have just been to my regular counselling session with my psychologist and have come home feeling like i am losing a part of myself ... which it turns out is entirely accurate ... and i (unusually) felt like i NEEDED to come back and post ... so here i am ....

first, for those that don't know me, a little history ... way back when i used to post regularly it was about my health goals ... shedding weight, becoming energetic and healthy so i could achieve the things i wanted to achieve ... go see this old thread if you are interested in catching up ... i'd post a link to the thread if i could find it ... i guess its been so long since ive been around that the powers that be have either deleted the thread (or im just not looking in the right place!)

about 7 months ago i decided, once again, that it was time to get back to a psychologist and sort out all the crap that was in my head ... get rid of all the nasty stuff and replace it with some much better stuff that will serve me in the years to come... this was influenced (or intensified if you like) by the death of my brother (causes suspected but autopsy could not give a definite answer), who weighed about 320kg ... i had started with my psych about a month before he died, but i guess it would be accurate to say that my brother's death definitely spurred me on (as did my mother's death back in 2002) ...

so, lets fast forward to this morning ... i guess it would be accurate to say that i had a bit of a major realisation ... the entire purpose of my seeing my psych was so she could help me to get rid of all the crap that has been holding me back from shedding all the weight i have been holding onto for my entire life ... i currently weigh just over 200kg, which is certainly not the highest i've ever been ...

anyway... we have been progressively working on me becoming much more self aware .... what has been holding me back ... comfort, safety, security etc ... most obese people will understand what i mean by that ... having the extra weight is a safety thing because it allows a pseudo protection ... nobody can get close enough to hurt you ... or to find out that were you to really look under the surface, you would discover that i am not really worth knowing anyway (it pains me and brings up emotions when i say that - story of my life!) ...

we have been working at bringing down some of those barriers ... acknowledging how untrue these core beliefs really are ... looking at motivation to make changes ...

and this morning ... well ... lets just say that i discovered that i am grieving ... there has always been a part of me that has known that my weight has been a protection from people knowing the real me ... and i have always sent out huge vibes: "Monster alert - keep away, or risk finding someone who is unlovable and undesirable!!" .... that feeling of safety is what i have discovered that i am in mourning for ...

a very bizarre and surreal feeling ... its like if that security is no longer a part of me, there is this big hole ... and then what will i have? ... my psych tells me that feeling is completely "normal" and that lots of other people feel it too (knowing that i am not alone is comforting) ... but even knowing that, i feel like ... i dont know how to describe it ... empty? ... lost (better) ... vulnerable ... (can feel the tears coming now) ... vulnerable is the best word to use i think ... what will i have? ... and yes, i know it's illogical ... after all, i will have all the good things filling my life in the future ... activities, relationships, work, family ... etc etc ... and i know that this security has always been false ... and that i dont need it because i AM good enough just as i am ...

but i still feel like i am in mourning ...

and i also know that "this too shall pass" and that i will be ok and that i am strong enough to handle the emotions that come up for me

so, what am i asking for here? ... short answer ... nothing ... at least nothing concrete ... i wanted someone to simply bear witness to what i am feeling (getting emotional again here) ... to i guess just know that there are other people out there that i can surrender myself to ... and to still know, deep in my gut, that i will be ... and AM ... OK! (bugger, who knew THAT was there? - i am just typing what comes into my head here and let me tell ya ... THAT was a big revelation!) *deep breath*

ok ... what i would like is to continue my journey of self discovery here, which is where i began it back in 2005 ... it is now the right time to continue, and i want to use this thread to keep the momentum toward getting to where i want to be (i'll post more on this another time) ... for now, i need to allow my head some processing time ...

thanks everyone!

Ali

[KahunaGrande]

Welcome back Ali. Glad to hear about the progress you have made!

[angelbabee1971]

Thanks Mr. Grande!

[joanne1216]

Hi Ali, I think it's wonderful that you've come back and opened up to us.

Did you find out whats been holding you back all these years? How long have you been using food for comfort?

What can we do to help?

[angelbabee1971]

Originally Posted by joanne1216

Hi Ali, I think it's wonderful that you've come back and opened up to us.

Did you find out whats been holding you back all these years? How long have you been using food for comfort?

What can we do to help?

thanks jo!

first answer ... lack of self esteem ... feeling like i was worthless, unlovable, undesirable ... like i didnt deserve to have good things in my life ...

second answer ... my entire life ... since my parents taught me to associate food with comfort ... fall over and hurt your knee ... have a biscuit or cake to feel better ... classic stuff

third answer ... just be here for support is all ... im feeling a little better now ... though still a bit raw and fragile ... will take me a while to work through it ... and i know that with everything that i go through, i will come out of this a stronger, better, and more empowered woman who can do anything she wants! ... ... just need some time to process ... and then .... watch out people!!

[mleighp1]

Ali!! So good to see you back here old friend!!! I hope you stick around this time.

[Cat Lover]

Hi Ali,

It is so good to see you back here again! We missed you, girl. I just came back myself in the last few weeks, after being "gone" for about a year. I was just focusing on my own stuff, too.

I am glad that you are in therapy, that will help a lot. I have never been too over weight, yet I had the same emotional issues to deal with, as you are experiencing. I was a sexual abuse survivor. So, that left me with a lot of issues to resolve, before I could move forward in my life. Let met tell you, it is not easy, but it is SO worth it!!! You are starting to get those "aha" moments now. The peices of the puzzle are visible now.... it is starting to make more sense to you now. This confusing, frustrating period of your life will get easier, as you learn to accept yourself more. Once you learn, you always were okay, you will find yourself again. Those lost peices will return and be even stronger parts of you!!

You are on the right track. Here, you have many people who care about you, who are willing to help you through any issue that comes up for you. There is always someone here, who can understand what you are going through. A good support group, like we have here at the Vibe is golden! I think as you read through the recent threads here, you will see so many people delving into an even deeper level of honesty now. It seems we have all been together, helping one another out for so many years now - that comfort level is even stronger. Our bonds here are even stronger now! So, with that said, welcome back to the fold Ali... You have been missed and we are all here for you, girl.

[Auswithspirit]

Hiya Ali!!! One of the few friends here i have met in person afew times
Welcome back hun

[Scooter]

Ali
Good to see ya back!

[angelbabee1971]

thanks everyone!!

means a lot to have all your support

im feeling much better today .. .more positive and stuff ... especially about the future and what it can bring!

cat ... your words are prophetic ... i think reading them has highlighted for me that this kind of support group/cheering squad is exactly why i came back!!

aus ... its great to be back ... and it means a lot to know that i have met you in person and have spent some time with you ... maybe i should bring this other kid down to see you guys at some point ... im sure he would be exactly like the other kid and be following you around the house like a puppy hehe

scoot & mer ... thanks!! ... as i said, its great to be back ... and not planning on going anywhere else in a hurry! ... i think its time!!

Ali

[angelbabee1971]

Feeling better today. Less alone and more optimistic. Still fulnerable after re-reading what i wrote yesterday.

Why couldn't i confront "fat"? (Yesterday in therapy my psych asked me to talk to that part of me, kinda like you would talk to a parent after they pass and let them know how your life has been affected). Tell it to bugger off? I don't need it. or want it! i want to be able to THINK thin & healthy. i want to be able to FEEL thin & healthy. To BE thin & healthy. so what's holding me back? this is MY time. i deserve to be happy, to have everything i want. i shouldnt have to justify what i want, i'm not answerable to anyone except myself. maybe that's the point?

Maybe im so used to abdocating responsibility for my life to other ppl, i dont know how to take responsibility.

Fear. That i cant do it. that ill fail. that i wont know how.

and immediately i have a voice in my head saying "Ridiculous!" Of course i can do it! Evidence is there. got rid of 60kg. got 3 degrees, despite some tough obstacles along the way. managing challenges of fostering, despite difficulties. so why fear?

still there, but lessened.

fear of success? of actually making it? what will i have once it's done? logice tells me i should just shut up & do it. why worry about it b4 its even close to happening? but its still there.

so, what do i do about it?
feel the fear and do it anyway.

Scary stuff!
Heady stuff!

again, not looking for any real responses ... just thinking aloud ... free writing ...

[angelbabee1971]

im baaaaackkkkk!! hehe

i havent posted for last few days (stating the obvious arent i?? lol) but i have been around ... i did write in my diary though so thought i would come post it here ...

so ... i wrote this 10th Feb 2010

just read what i wrote the last few times & now i dont know how/what to feel. it all seems so ridiculous. why fear success? isnt success a GOOD thing?? an accomplishment?

it feels like im listening to a different person say all this stuff about fear and protection and "fat" & whatever. surreal. i know its me though. kinda like when someone dies and while you know theyll never again walk through the door, a part of you continues to expect it to happen any minute.

different person. separate entity. no idea where this thought is going. maybe that's the key. create the separate entity outside of myself. it doesnt have to be a PART of me. this voice and the story its telling.

title of this story: --->> "the pathetic whiny voice"
feeble, insecure, mousy.

now im not sure whether it needs reassurance or to be dismissed. is it the little girl who needs to be loved unconditionally or is it simply a disruptive kid who needs to be ignored &/or brought into line??

------------------------------------------

thats it ... dunno what to do with it now ... everything ive written in the last few days seems to be such a long way from me now, and yet i know that i wrote it all ... so where do i go from here?

Ali

[mleighp1]

Originally Posted by angelbabee1971

im baaaaackkkkk!! hehe

i havent posted for last few days (stating the obvious arent i?? lol) but i have been around ... i did write in my diary though so thought i would come post it here ...

so ... i wrote this 10th Feb 2010

just read what i wrote the last few times & now i dont know how/what to feel. it all seems so ridiculous. why fear success? isnt success a GOOD thing?? an accomplishment?

it feels like im listening to a different person say all this stuff about fear and protection and "fat" & whatever. surreal. i know its me though. kinda like when someone dies and while you know theyll never again walk through the door, a part of you continues to expect it to happen any minute.

different person. separate entity. no idea where this thought is going. maybe that's the key. create the separate entity outside of myself. it doesnt have to be a PART of me. this voice and the story its telling.

title of this story: --->> "the pathetic whiny voice"
feeble, insecure, mousy.

now im not sure whether it needs reassurance or to be dismissed. is it the little girl who needs to be loved unconditionally or is it simply a disruptive kid who needs to be ignored &/or brought into line??

------------------------------------------

thats it ... dunno what to do with it now ... everything ive written in the last few days seems to be such a long way from me now, and yet i know that i wrote it all ... so where do i go from here?

Ali

Ali,

what is it about success that you fear? the risk of failure along the way? the responsibility that comes with it? the work it takes to get there? just curious because I think people often say they are afraid of success but I think it goes deeper than that.

[angelbabee1971]

Originally Posted by mleighp1

Ali,

what is it about success that you fear? the risk of failure along the way? the responsibility that comes with it? the work it takes to get there? just curious because I think people often say they are afraid of success but I think it goes deeper than that.

good questions mer! ... very thought provoking ... i think ill answer with the first thing that comes into my head (free-writing) ... cause that is usually the right one ... i definitely agree with you ... it ALWAYS goes deeper

i think its a bit of all you have suggested ... definitely the risk of failure ... big part is the responsibility ... ive never taken that kind of responsibility for my own life before ... rather, just kinda coasted along and not expected anything of myself (conditioning from childhood) ...

also the work it takes to get there ... again ... never done it before ... almost my entire adult life has seen me just sitting in front of the telly doing nothing ... no goals, no responsibility, ... major habits .. i think in an attempt to protect me, my father (particularly) didnt really have many expectations of me as a kid ... he would often say to me stuff like ... dont try doing that, you wont be able to (i think in an attempt to protect me from feeling hurt and disappointed and upset if i were to fail ... habit forming conditioning ...

even more that that though ... is this ... what if i DO succeed? ... what will be expected of me then? ... once i have done this, what is next? ... as i type this i am thinking ... yeah ... definitely the responsibility! ... and expectations...

having said that ... logically i know that when i get to the other end these things wont matter... ill feel so good about myself that everything ive just typed will take care of itself ... ill WANT to set new goals and o after them ... ill WANT to see other people ... not to mention myself ... have higher expectations of myself! ... see the crap i have in my head?? ...

im now sitting here feeling disappointed in myself ... guilty even ... for being so illogical! ... and yeah i know its all human emotion and normal and all that ... im frustrated and angry with myself for it too ... *sighs*

[KahunaGrande]

Investing emotion in the past, even simple things like wanting to kick yourself for not knowing then what you now, is wasted. So too, is energy spent imagining how bad tomorrow will be, how tough that thing you've been putting off will be, etc.

These are purely human traits by the way, I find I have to work, often very hard, to overcome these natural tendencies.

Look backwards only to learn from where you have been.

Look forwards only to see where you are going.

Live in the now, what we do today is what will shape our future.

[angelbabee1971]

Originally Posted by KahunaGrande

Investing emotion in the past, even simple things like wanting to kick yourself for not knowing then what you now, is wasted. So too, is energy spent imagining how bad tomorrow will be, how tough that thing you've been putting off will be, etc.

These are purely human traits by the way, I find I have to work, often very hard, to overcome these natural tendencies.

Look backwards only to learn from where you have been.

Look forwards only to see where you are going.

Live in the now, what we do today is what will shape our future.

thanks mr Grande!! ... i needed to hear that right now! ... you are so right ...

[Batman]

Ali welcome back....

[angelbabee1971]

Originally Posted by Batman

Ali welcome back....

thanks batty!

[Awake at Last]

Ali, I am sorry that I didn't read this thread until now. I am glad to have you back here and am so happy that you are opening up like this and spilling everything. I hope doing so will help you, and that we are able to help you in some way.

Originally Posted by Ali

and this morning ... well ... lets just say that i discovered that i am grieving ... there has always been a part of me that has known that my weight has been a protection from people knowing the real me ... and i have always sent out huge vibes: "Monster alert - keep away, or risk finding someone who is unlovable and undesirable!!" .... that feeling of safety is what i have discovered that i am in mourning for ...

Think about how many people know THE REAL YOU online, with having never seen your body. We don't see a monster or an obese woman. WHO you really are shows in your posts, and what we see is a beautiful woman!

Originally Posted by Ali

a very bizarre and surreal feeling ... its like if that security is no longer a part of me, there is this big hole ... and then what will i have? ... my psych tells me that feeling is completely "normal" and that lots of other people feel it too (knowing that i am not alone is comforting) ... but even knowing that, i feel like ... i dont know how to describe it ... empty? ... lost (better) ... vulnerable ... (can feel the tears coming now) ... vulnerable is the best word to use i think ... what will i have? ... and yes, i know it's illogical ... after all, i will have all the good things filling my life in the future ... activities, relationships, work, family ... etc etc ... and i know that this security has always been false ... and that i dont need it because i AM good enough just as i am ...

I can understand the feeling of vulnerability, as you are thinking about what it would be like to be in a thin - or much less fat - body, and this is something totally new for you. New things can be very intimidating, especially when there are such strong emotional links involved.

Originally Posted by Ali

so, what am i asking for here? ... short answer ... nothing ... at least nothing concrete ... i wanted someone to simply bear witness to what i am feeling (getting emotional again here) ... to i guess just know that there are other people out there that i can surrender myself to ... and to still know, deep in my gut, that i will be ... and AM ... OK! (bugger, who knew THAT was there? - i am just typing what comes into my head here and let me tell ya ... THAT was a big revelation!) *deep breath*

Originally Posted by Ali

im feeling a little better now ... though still a bit raw and fragile ... will take me a while to work through it ... and i know that with everything that i go through, i will come out of this a stronger, better, and more empowered woman who can do anything she wants! ... ... just need some time to process ... and then .... watch out people!!

You are AWESOME, Ali! Maybe we'll just have to start calling you that - AwesomeAli!

Originally Posted by Ali

fear of success? of actually making it? what will i have once it's done? logice tells me i should just shut up & do it. why worry about it b4 its even close to happening? but its still there.

so, what do i do about it?
feel the fear and do it anyway.

I think MAYBE it would be helpful to NOT think about what you will look like when you are all done losing weight. I know that sounds odd, but it may be that you are so unfamiliar w/ what that would look like, and it is so foreign to you, that it is plain old scary. What if you were to just imagine what it would feel like to lose another 132 lbs (60k)? To get back into the gym on a regular basis. You did it before, and you were exercising more regularly than some of us in that group! Or just don't even THINK about it. JUST DO IT!

Originally Posted by Ali

i think its a bit of all you have suggested ... definitely the risk of failure ... big part is the responsibility ... ive never taken that kind of responsibility for my own life before ... rather, just kinda coasted along and not expected anything of myself (conditioning from childhood) ... also the work it takes to get there ... again ... never done it before ...

I beg to differ on you never having taken on that kind of responsibility for your life, and that you haven't expected anything of yourself. How many college degrees do you have? And you're still working on a higher level degree, right? And you have been fostering children. You have a job that you worked hard to get and undoubtedly work hard to keep. You are a hard-working and responsible person. You have just chosen not to put those qualities to use in getting rid of your fat. You already have everything you need to succeed!!!

Originally Posted by Ali

im now sitting here feeling disappointed in myself ... guilty even ... for being so illogical! ... and yeah i know its all human emotion and normal and all that ... im frustrated and angry with myself for it too ... *sighs*

*sigh* Been there, done that, have the battered insides to prove it. You are going to get through this with flying colors, Ali!

[KKPDX]

I'm really glad you are back Ali and I know you will get where you need to be. You are a smart girl with a ton of enthusiasm and drive....

It's a courageous & powerful thing in my opinion to acknowledge and work through the pain of what's holding you back. I'm so sorry for your losses....but here's making the BEST of your life and making them proud.

You will certainly always have all of the support and love you need from me!

Love ya,

Kimberly